Make Fun Of Me

His Diary, Her Diary

2006-12-08T13:22:00.000-08:00

HER DIARY: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plansto meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all daylong, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, buthe made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewherequiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if itwas my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it hadnothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly,and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why hedidn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if hewanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, andwatched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded tomy caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted,and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure thathis thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY: Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.....

M&M's

2006-12-06T01:56:00.000-08:00

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

KFC: Our Daily Chicken

2006-12-06T01:54:00.000-08:00

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.
Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!'''

Stay, Dog

2006-12-02T18:10:00.000-08:00

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had plenty of fresh air. The dog was stretched out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now, you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noticing I was blonde, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park"?

Never Argue with a Woman

2006-12-02T17:48:00.000-08:00

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing anddecides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wifedecides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the womanand says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry,officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says thewoman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Bubba And Earl

2006-12-02T17:43:00.000-08:00

Two red necks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a

couple of bottles of Budweiser. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookie thar up

ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer

drinkin' these here beers. Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over

and finish drinkin' these beers, then peel off the label and stick it on our

foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat. "What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?, said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw

the empties out of sight & put the labels on each of their foreheads. When they

reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Howdy boys, ya'll been drinkin'? "No

sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels..."Me and Bubba's on the patch."

Women are Evil By Nature...

2006-12-02T17:18:00.000-08:00

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

Learn Chinese in 3 minutes. YOU must READ OUT LOUD.

2006-12-02T17:11:00.000-08:00

1. That is not right......Sum Ting Wong
2. Are you harboring a fugitive?.... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3. See me ASAP..... Kum Hia Nao
4. Small Horse.... Tai Ni Po Ni
5. Did you go to the beach?....Wai Yu So Tan
6. You need a face lift..... Chin Tu Fat
7. It is very dark in here... Wao So Dim
8. I thought you were on a diet...Wai Yu Mun Ching
9. This is a tow away zone...No Pah King
10. Staying out of sight....Lei Ying Lo
11. He is cleaning his automobile.... Wa Shing Ka
12.Your body odor is offensive... Yu Stin Ki Pu

At times women can be a bit insensitive

2006-12-02T17:05:00.000-08:00

Fred returns from the doctor, tells his wife the doctor has told him hehas only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, Fred asks his wife forsex. She agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,"Honey, please just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course,dear."

And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Fred, however,worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Fred, I have to get up in the morning. You don't."

Bribe and Groom

2006-12-01T16:43:00.000-08:00

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I''ll give you $100 if you''ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I''m supposed to promise to ''love, honor and obey'' and ''be faithful to her forever,'' I''dappreciate it if you''d just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom''s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom''s hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

The Test

2006-12-01T16:35:00.000-08:00

A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test. The engineer went in first and was asked, ''''What is 2+2?'''' The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, ''''4.'''' Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, ''''4.0'''' Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, ''''What do you want it to be?''''

Country Politics

2006-12-01T16:32:00.000-08:00

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

Beans And Onions

2006-05-20T10:19:00.000-07:00

What do you get when you mix beans and onions?
Tear gas!

What's The Hardest Thing About Rollerblading

2006-05-20T10:18:00.000-07:00

What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?
Telling your parents you're gay.

Avon Calling

2006-05-20T10:14:00.000-07:00

Avon Calling An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy.
Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face.
"Holy cow! What's that smell?"
"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"
"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."

One Armed Man

2006-05-20T10:13:00.000-07:00

How do you get a one armed man out of a tree?
Wave at him.

Pillsbury Doughboy

2006-05-20T10:11:00.000-07:00

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Potential & Reality

2006-05-20T10:02:00.000-07:00

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you'velearned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

Headlines From The Year 2029

2006-05-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

Headlines from the year 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-years, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (Hummmmmmmmm)

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

God Is Missing

2006-05-13T20:16:00.000-07:00

Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.
The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy just sat there.
The priest stood up and asked again, "Son, do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing.
The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?"
The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend had followed him home asked, "what happened in there?"
The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"

Movie Magic

2006-05-13T20:14:00.000-07:00

Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. After 15 minutes passed one girl leaned over and whispered to her friend, "What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is masturbating."
Her friend replied, "Don''t do anything. Just ignore it."
The first girl said, "I can''t."
Her friend, "Why can''t you ignore it?"
The first one says, "Because he''s using my hand!"

The Blonde And The Deodorant

2006-05-10T17:12:00.000-07:00

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. ''I'm sorry,'' says the pharmacist, ''we don't have any.''
''But I always get it here,'' says the blonde.
''Do you have the container it comes in?''
''Yes!'' says the blonde, ''I will go and get it.''
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, ''This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.''
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: ''To apply, push up bottom.''

Anywhere Is Good

2006-05-10T00:40:00.000-07:00

What's the good thing about dating a homeless girl?
You can drop her off anywhere!

Stumped Doc

2006-05-05T00:50:00.000-07:00

A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange.
The doctor looks at it and says, "I haven't ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?" The man says no.
The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, "Nothing." The doctor is really puzzled now and says, "You can't not do anything. What do you do at home all day?"
The man replies, "Honestly, doc I, don't do anything. I just sit around, watch porno flicks and eat Cheetos."

Free Sex Contestants

2006-05-03T04:12:00.000-07:00

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station top patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the first man.
"Well, I'm thinking o fa number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."
"O.K. I guess 7," said the first man.
"Sorry, I was thinkingof 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"
The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."
"2" said the second man
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."
As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."

Famous Qoutes

2006-05-02T03:05:00.000-07:00

A wretched soul, bruised with adversity,
We bid be quiet when we hear it cry;
But were we burdened with like weight of pain,
As much or more we should ourselves complain.
William Shakespeare

Action is eloquence.
William Shakespeare
And since you know you cannot see yourself,
so well as by reflection, I, your glass,
will modestly discover to yourself,
that of yourself which you yet know not of.
William Shakespeare

And thus I clothe my naked villainy
With old odd ends, stol'n forth of holy writ;
And seem a saint, when most I play the devil.
William Shakespeare

Assume a virtue, if you have it not.
William Shakespeare

Be great in act, as you have been in thought.
William Shakespeare

Blow, blow, thou winter wind
Thou art not so unkind,
As man's ingratitude.
William Shakespeare

Conversation should be pleasant without scurrility,
witty without affectation,
free without indecency,
learned without conceitedness,
novel without falsehood.
William Shakespeare

For they are yet ear-kissing arguments.
William Shakespeare

Free from gross passion or of mirth or anger
constant in spirit, not swerving with the blood,
garnish'd and deck'd in modest compliment,
not working with the eye without the ear,
and but in purged judgement trusting neither?
Such and so finely bolted didst thou seem.
William Shakespeare

Glory is like a circle in the water,
Which never ceaseth to enlarge itself,
Till by broad spreading it disperses to naught.
William Shakespeare

God bless thee; and put meekness in thy mind, love, charity, obedience, and true duty!
William Shakespeare

He who has injured thee was either stronger or weaker than thee.
If weaker, spare him; if stronger, spare thyself.
William Shakespeare

His life was gentle; and the elements
So mixed in him, that Nature might stand up,
And say to all the world, THIS WAS A MAN!
William Shakespeare

How poor are they who have not patience! What wound did ever heal but by degrees.
William Shakespeare

How use doth breed a habit in a man.
William Shakespeare

I am not bound to please thee with my answers.
William Shakespeare

I did never know so full a voice issue from so empty a heart: but the saying is true 'The empty vessel makes the greatest sound'.
William Shakespeare

I dote on his very absence.
William Shakespeare

I feel within me a peace above all earthly dignities, a still and quiet conscience.
William Shakespeare

I hate ingratitude more in a man
than lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness,or any taint of vice whose strong corruption
inhabits our frail blood.
William Shakespeare

I must be cruel only to be kind;
Thus bad begins, and worse remains behind.
William Shakespeare

I pray thee cease thy counsel,
Which falls into mine ears as profitless
as water in a sieve.
William Shakespeare

I pray you bear me henceforth from the noise and rumour of the field, where I may think the remnant of my
houghts in peace, and part of this body and my soul with contemplation and devout desires.
William Shakespeare

I wasted time, and now doth time waste me.
William Shakespeare

I wish you well and so I take my leave,
I Pray you know me when we meet again.
William Shakespeare

Ill deeds are doubled with an evil word.
William Shakespeare

In a false quarrel there is no true valour.
William Shakespeare

In peace there's nothing so becomes a man as modest stillness and humility.
William Shakespeare

In time we hate that which we often fear.
William Shakespeare

Voodoo Economics

2006-05-02T02:37:00.000-07:00

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

Communism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

Student Takes Off His Pants

2006-05-02T02:36:00.000-07:00

Student takes off his pants A student is taking his final exams. He takes his seat in the exam hall, stares at the questions and then in a fit for inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt, pants and socks.
The teacher, alarmed, approached him and asked what is going on?
"I am only following the instructions -- the test paper states, answer the questions in brief.''

Dumb Laws

2006-05-02T02:00:00.000-07:00

Again a friend emailed this to me and thought it was worthy

Dumb laws

Alabama
A 1950 anti-obscenity law in Irondale, Ala., prohibited any showing of anyone nude or "in a substantially nude state" except a babe in arms.
Anniston: You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.
An ordinance in Linden, Ala., provided that all women of "uncertain chastity" had to be off the streets by 9 p.m.
Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
Children of incestuous couples are deemed legitimate.
Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
Hunting is not allowed on Sunday.
Incestuous marriages are legal.
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
It is illegal to stab yourself to gain someone's pity.
It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
It is legal to drive the wrong way on a one way street if you have a lantern on the front of your car.
It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.
It's against the law for a man to seduce "a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery or a promise of marriage."
Jasper: It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
Lee County: It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
Masks may not be worn in public
Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex
Mobile: It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.
It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.
Montgomery: It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses.
No persons may sell "blow-out nuts".
Pool halls may not be operated between 11:30 PM and 6 AM.
Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
Slavery is still legal in Decatur, Alabama.
The game of crackaloo is illegal in Fairfield, Ala.
Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
You cannot chain your alligator to a fire hydrant.
You may not drive barefooted.
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
You must have windshield wipers on your car.

Alaska
A law in Fairbanks does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
Even though it is legal to hunt a bear, it is illegal to wake a bear and take a picture for photo opportunities.
Fairbanks: It is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone's ear while they are moose hunting.
It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
Kangaroos are not allowed in barber shops at any time.
Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
State policy states that emergencies are held to a minimum and rarely found to exist.

Arizona
A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony (This goes back in the days of the Wild West).
Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.
Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
Due to a typographical error in the Tempe, Ariz., code, a shooting range can be run by the "Amateur Crapshooting Association."
Glendale: Cars may not be driven in reverse.
Hayden: If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.
Hunting camels is prohibited.
In 1985, an Arizona legislator proposed that each candidate for the legislature take a reading and an I.Q. test three months before the election. The scores would have been posted on the ballot, had the bill passed. But a majority of legislators, for whatever reason, voted it down.
In Arizona it is illegal to take naked photographs before noon on Sunday.
It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.
It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.
Maricopa County: No more than six girls may live in any house.
Mesa: It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.
Mohave County: A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up. Nogales: An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.
Oral sex is considered to be sodomy.
Prescott: No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.
There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
Tucson: Women may not wear pants.
When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.
You may not have more than two dildos in a house.

Arkansas
A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.
A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
A voter is only allowed five minutes to mark his ballot.
Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.
An Arkansas legislator not long ago proposed that the state provide growth hormones to dwarfs.
Arkansas must be pronounced "Arkansaw"
At Arkansas State University two people cannot hold hands while standing in a doorway unless they belong to a union.
Fayetteville: It is illegal to kill "any living creature".
Flirtation between the members of the opposite sex on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.
In Arkansas it is illegal to buy or sell blue lightbulbs.
It's illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas in that state.
Little Rock: Dogs may not bark after 6 PM.
It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday
No person shall sound the horn on a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 P.M. -Little Rock City Code Sec. 18-54
The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.

California
A city ordinance states that a $500 fine will be given to anyone who detonates a nuclear device within city limits. Alhambra: You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
A regulation in San Francisco makes it unlawful to use used underwear to wipe off cars in a car wash.
Arcadia: Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
A server in California can be convicted of selling to a minor if the purchaser uses a false or altered ID to buy the alcohol.
Baldwin Park: Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
Bathhouses are against the law.
Belvedere City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."
Blythe: You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
Burlingame: It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds
Carmel Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
California only fairly recently legalized the sale of alcoholic beverages in nudist colonies.
Car wash attendants in San Francisco, California may not use old pairs of underware to wash or dry vehicles.
Chico: Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
Downey: It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).
Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited.
Hollywood: It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
In 1838, the city of Los Angeles passed an ordinance requiring that a man obtain a license before serenading a woman.
In Los Angeles courts it is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
In Berkeley, Calif., you can't whistle for an escaped bird before 7 a.m.
In 1930, the City Council of Ontario passed an ordinance forbidding roosters to crow within the city limits.
In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
In Baldwin Park, California nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
In California it is illegal to have caller ID
In California it's against regulations to let phones ring more than nine times in state offices.
In California you may not set a mouse trap without a hunting license.
In California, selling a gold piece without tooth marks in it is considered forgery.
In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
In Los Angeles, years ago it was legal to cook in your bedroom, but not to sleep in your kitchen.
In Los Angeles a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated.
In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
In the 1940's, California law made it illegal to serve alcohol to a gay person.
In Riverside, California, kissing on the lips, unless both parties wipe their lips with carbonized rose water, is against the local health ordinance. (Someone needed to be kissed!)
In San Francisco it's illegal to play poker in public or gamble in a barricaded room.
In San Francisco, it's illegal to beat a rug in front of your house.
In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
It is a violation of the California Alcoholic Beverage Control Act for producers of alcohol beverages to list the names of retailers or restaurants that sell their products in advertising or even in newsletters.
It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
It is illegal to eat an orange in your bathtub
It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
Lafayette: You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.
Lodi: It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".
Lompoc: It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.
Long Beach: Cars are the only item allowed in a garage
It is illegal o serve alcohcurse on a mini-golf course.
Los Angeles law forbids hunting moths under a street light.
Toads may not be licked
Zoot suits are prohibited.
Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
No alcohol beverages can be displayed within five feet of a cash register of any store in California that sells both alcohol and motor fuel.
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
Oakland, Calif., makes it illegal to grow a tree in front of your neighbor's window and block his view. However, you're off the hook if the tree is one that town officials consider an attractive tree, such as a redwood or box elder.
One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
Ontario: Roosters may not crow in the city limits.
Palm Springs: It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.
Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
Prunedale: Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.
Redlands: Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.
Riverside: One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
San Diego: It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar
The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.
San Francisco has an ordinance prohibiting "cane games." City officials have no idea what cane games are. But when revising city laws recently, officials decided to keep the prohibition on the books, in case someday, somehow, cane games came back, they were deemed improper and the city needed the law.
San Francisco is said to be the only city in the nation to have ordinances guaranteeing sunshine to the masses.
San Francisco: Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash
Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street
Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited.
San Francisco bans any "mechanical device that reproduces obscene language.
San Francisco prohibits kerchoo powders and stink balls.
San Jose: It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595
Santa Monica: You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.
Temecula: Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.
The city of San Francisco holds a copyright on the name "San Francisco." It is illegal to manufacture any item with the name without first getting permission from the city. Since the Supreme Court upheld the copyright, San Francisco has had an annual $300 million surplus every year.
The Santa Monica, Calif., City Council recently proposed that men be allowed to use women's public restrooms when there's a line of three or more at the mens' room, and vice versa.
Women may not drive in a house coat.
You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, Ca.

Colorado
Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
Colorado law requires that wine be sold in containers of at least 24 ounces and spirits in containers at least a fifth of a gallon. But, at the same time, it also decrees that no alcohol beverage can be stored in hotel minibars in anything larger than miniature containers.
Colorado Springs: It is permissible to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.
Crippe Creek: It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.
Denver: The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park
It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor
It is illegal to mistreat rats
You may not drive a black car on Sundays.
Durango: It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex.
Have you ever had the urge to rip the tag from a pillow or mattress, despite the warning of dire penalties? Well, it's perfectly legal now, if you live in Colorado. The Governor formalized the law by gleefully tearing a label from a pillow at his office. "I've been worrying about the mattress inspector jumping through the window for years," he said.
In Colorado it's now legal to remove the furniture tags that say, "Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law."
In Denver, Colorado it is illegal for Barber's to give massages to nude customers unless it is for instructional purposes.
It is against the law in Pueblo, Colorado, to raise or permit a dandelion to grow within the city limits.
It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep in Logan County,

Colorado.
It is illegal for a woman wearing a red dress to be out on the streets after 7 PM.
It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.
It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.
No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days.
Sterling: Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.

Connecticut
A local ordinance in Atwoodville, Connecticut prohibits people from playing Scrabble while waiting for a politician to speak.
A pickle is not officially a pickle unless it bounces
Balloons with advertising on them are illegal in Hartford, Conn.
Bloomfield, Conn: It's against the law to eat in your car.
Cattle branding in the United States did not originate in the West. It began in Connecticut in the mid-nineteenth century, when farmers were required by law to mark all their pigs.
Devon: It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
Druggists in Connecticut must pay $400.00 each year for a license in order to use alcohol in compounding prescriptions.
Guilford: Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display.
Hartford: You aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands
In colonial times, Hartford, Conn., had an ordinance that allowed any resident to rent the town chain for 2 pence.
In Connecticut any dogs with tattoos must be reported to the police.
In Connecticut it is illegal to pirouette while crossing the street
In Hartford, Conn., it's illegal to plant a tree in the street.
In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal to kiss your wife on Sunday.
In Simsbury, Conn., it's illegal for a politician to campaign at the town dump.
It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway.
It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.
It's illegal to clam at night in Connecticut.
New Britain: It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire.
No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind.
Southington: Silly string is banned.
Strangers in Simsbury, Conn., were required, under an ordinance enacted in 1701 and only recently repealed, to leave town within a month unless they had at least 20 shillings to their names.
The marriage of imbeciles and feeble-minded persons is prohibited.
his state still retains an old law forbidding any kind of "private sexual behavior between consenting adults."
Under the Code of 1650 in the New Haven Colony (in what is now Connecticut), a 16-year-old boy could be put to death if he "cursed, struck or disobeyed" his parents or was "stubborn or rebellious."
Waterbury: It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer.
You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays.
You may not educate dogs.

Delaware
Delaware prohibits horse racing of any kind on Good Friday and Easter Sunday.
In Delaware it is illegal to get married on a dare.
In Delaware you may not sell dead people for money without a license.
It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.
Lewes: It is illegal to wear pants that are "firm fitting" around the waist; Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment.

D.C.
A D.C. federal judge has ruled that begging is a form of free speech protected by the Constitution. That means that mugging is free speech too, only more persuasive.
In Washington D.C. it is illegal to post a notice in public which calls another person a 'coward' for refusing to accept a challenge to duel.
It is unlawful for small boys to throw stones, at any time, at any place in the District of Columbia.
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
The U.S. government says it's a crime to give false weather reports.

Florida
(SARASOTA) It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Apparently with an exaggerated idea of the laws of thermal dynamics, the city council of West Palm Beach, Fla., once decreed that the roofs of all outhouses be fireproof.
A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
Big Pine Key: It is illegal to molest a Key deer; If caught one will be fined or will have to go to jail.
Cape Coral: It is against the city ordinance to hang your clothes outside on a clothesline
It it illegal to park a pick-up truck in your driveway or in front of your house on the street (This law is limited to only those who do not own the house)
Daytona Beach: The molestation of trash cans is banned
While intoxicated, being under influence of narcotics is prohibited
It shall be unlawful for any person to swim or bathe in that portion of the Atlantic Ocean within the corporate limits of the city when under the influence of intoxicating liquor or narcotic drugs to the extent that his or her normal faculties are impaired
Don't plan on using any of the celebratory Champagne bottle sizes known as Methuselahs, Salamanazars, Balthazars or Nebuchadnezzars. These very traditional Champagne bottle sizes are all illegal in Florida.
Florida deals with its prostitution problem by giving prostitutes spending money, a five-year banishment, and a bus ticket out of town.
Florida law forbids rats to leave the ships docked in Tampa Bay.
Florida prohibits topless walking or running within a 150 foot zone between the beach and the street.
Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
Hialeah: Ambling and strolling is a misdemeanor.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
In Florida failure to tell your neighbor his house is on fire is illegal.
In Florida it is illegal to fish while driving across a bridge.
In Miami, Florida it is illegal for a man to wear any kind of strapless gown.
In Miami, it is forbidden to imitate an animal.
Miami Shores Village, Fla., has for years required that all goods made in Communist countries and offered for sale in Miami Shores Village be clearly marked as such. The ordinance notes that such goods are often marked in a "false, misleading or inadequate manner, to hide their Communist origins."
It is considered an offense to shower naked.
It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road.
It is illegal to fart in a public place after 6:00pm on a Thursday.
It is illegal to skateboard without a license.
It's against a Key West, Fla., ordinance to spit on a church floor.
It's illegal in Florida for an unmarried man and woman to live together in "open and gross lewdness." Connecticut once had a similar law, but only the woman was penalized.
Key West: Chickens are considered a 'protected species'.
No person shall operate a bicycle unless it is equipped with a bell or device capable of giving a signal audible for a distance of at least 100 feet, but no bicycle shall be equipped with, nor shall any person use upon a bicycle, any siren or whistle.
Oral sex is illegal.
Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.
Pensacola: Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person
It is illegal to roll a barrel on any street, fines go up according to the contents of the barrel
A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils.
Pinecrest: In order to operate a burglar alarm, a permit must be obtained.
Sanford Stage: Nudity is banned, with the exception of "bona fide" theatrical performances. Violating this ordinance results in a $100 fine.
Sarasota: If you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00
You may not catch crabs.
Tampa Bay: It is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6:00 P.M.
Under a 1959 ordinance, stubborn children were considered vagrants in Jupiter Inlet Colony, Fla.
Women can be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer. The salon owner can also be fined for this horrible crime.
You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.
You may not kiss your wife's breasts.

Georgia
Acworth: All citizens must own a rake.
An old law in Columbus, Ga., made it illegal to sit on your porch in an indecent position.
A Kennesaw, Ga. law makes it illegal for every homeowner not to own a gun, unless you are a convicted felon, conscientious objector or disabled.
Atlanta: Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp
One man may not be on another man's back.
Columbus: Can't cut off a chicken's head on Sunday
It is illegal to serve alcohcarry a chicken by it's feet down Broadway on Sunday.
Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.
Gainesville: Chicken must be eaten with the hands.
Georgia has 75 laws on how to build rice paddies, even though the state has only one rice farm left. Rice was the state's No. 1 crop before the Civil War. But right after the war, a hurricane destroyed all the paddies and ponds. It was too expensive to replace them without slaves, so the Rice State began growing peaches, peanuts and other crops.
Georgia officials were revising their state laws in 1981, and noticed they still allowed pensions for Confederate widows. That week the last widow died. Lawmakers bowed their heads, and deleted the law.
In Georgia, movie houses that want to show films on Sunday must reserve one showing a month for religious material.
In Quitman, It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
It is illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless the shades are down.
It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro.
It is illegal to take a bath of orange peel.
It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office.
Marietta: Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.
Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session.
No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday.
Signs are required to be written in English.
St. Mary's: No spitting on the sidewalk is permitted after dark.
You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by "fighting" words.

Hawaii
All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat.
Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears.
Honolulu: Within the limits of any public park, it is unlawful o serve alcohannoy any bird.
In Hawaii it is illegal to get a tattoo behind your ear or on your eyelid unless in the presence of a registered physician.
It used to be the law in Hawaii that children had to obey all "lawful o serve aland moral" commands of their parents.
It's illegal for a shooting gallery to offer liquor as a prize. The shooter might want to come back after drinking the prize and try again.
You will be fined if you do not own a boat.

Idaho
Boise: Residents may not fish from a giraffe's back.
Coeur d' Alene: If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects that the occupants are engaging in sex, he must either honk, or flash his lights and wait for three minutes before approaching the car.
Idaho Falls, Idaho: If you're 88 years of age or older, it's illegal for you to ride your motorcycle.
Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
Idaho and other states allow members of the Native American church to serve alcohuse the hallucinogenic plant peyote in religious services.
In Idaho walking along the street with a red-tipped cane is strictly prohibited.
In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to serve public view.
It's illegal to hunt from the back of an anima.
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.
Non-married couples in Idaho who engage in sexual intercourse can be jailed for up to six months
Pocatello: A law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless some are exhibited in public view"
A person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face.
Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime.
You may not fish on a camel's back.

Illinois
"Dwarf-tossing," the strange practice of hurling dwarfs in padded suits, is outlawed in the bars of Springfield, Ill., because it's dangerous and exploitative. The practice is apparently allowed elsewhere in town, with a special permit.
A law from the early 1900's prohibits men from going topless on the Boardwalk. (Repealed)
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is "American".
Champaign: One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth.
Chicago: Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire
It is illegal to serve or to give a dog whiskey
Kites may not be flown within the city limits
Spitting is forbidden
Cicero: Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays.
Crete: It is considered an offense to attempt to have sex with one's dog
Cars may not be driven through the town.
Des Plaines: Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.
Eureka: A man with a moustache may not kiss a woman.
Evanston: Bowling is forbidden
It is illegal to go trick-or-treating on Halloween
It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.
Fairfield: It is unlawful for "Negroes" to be within county boundaries from sundown to sunrise.
Freeport: It is illegal to expectorate from any second-story window.
Galesburg: There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats.
Homer: It is against the law to use a slingshot unless your are a law enforcement officer.
If the Rushville, Ill., city council doesn't have a quorum, those sent can have the cops go out and arrest absent members and bring them to the meeting.
In Illinois it is illegal for barbers to use their fingers to apply shaving cream to a customer's face.
In Chicago it is also illegal to take a French poodle to the opera, and for women over 200 pounds (90 kilos) to ride horses in shorts.
In Chicago, Illinois, it is illegal to fish in pajamas.
In Chicago, people who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or "otherwise an unsightly or disgusting object" are banned from going out in public.
In Minoola, Ill., it's illegal to take your clothes off and "expose the naked
In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigarsl to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.
It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of Urbana, Illinois.
It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.
It's not clear what this has done to the bar business, but a law in Chicago, Ill., makes it illegal to serve liquor to the feeble-minded.
Joliet: Town fathers, reflecting the pet peeve of hearing their town's name mispronounced 'Jolly-ETTE' when all local folk know it's pronounced 'Joe-lee-ETTE', made pronouncing it Jolly-ette a misdemeanor, punishable by a $5 fine.
Kenilworth: A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow; Hens that wish to cackle must step two hundred feet back from any residence.
Kirkland: Bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any of Kirkland's streets.
Moline: Ice skating at the Riverside pond during the months of June and August is prohibited
There is a ban on unnecessary repetitive driving on 23rd Avenue.
Morton Grove: You may not own a handgun
Normal: It is against the law to make faces at dogs.
Orland Park: No pool tables are allowed in a public establishment, because it supports gambling.
Ottawa: Spitting on the sidewalk is a criminal offense.
Park Ridge: Trucks may only park inside closed garages.
Peoria: Basketball hoops may not be installed on a driveway.
Pullman: It is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb
It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's neck
The people in Manteno, Ill., do not want used facial tissue, period. Hence, you cannot "throw, drop or place" a used hankie "upon any public way or public place or upon the floor of any convenience or upon the floor of any theater, hall or assembly or public building or upon the surface of any lot or parcel of ground or on the roof on any building or in any light or air shaft, court or area way."
Under a 1872 law still on the books, an alderman in Chicago can carry a gun. Some do.
You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.
You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation. -720 ILCS 5/14-2.
You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.

Indiana
"Spiteful Gossip" and "talking behind a person's back" are illegal.
A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.
A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b)
A sports agent is supposed to give a college 10 days notice before luring a star athlete into the professional ranks.
A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming.
All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads.
Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day.
Auburn: It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area. For these offenses, there is a fine of no more than $5 or the impounding of one's bicycle for a period not to exceed 30 days.
Back in 1924, a monkey was convicted in South Bend of the crime of smoking a cigarette and sentenced to pay a 25 dollar fine and the trial costs.
Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.
Beech Grove: It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park.
Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes.
Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest.
Drinks on the house are illegal.
Due to a typographical error, a routine ordinance in Shelbyville, Ind., about charging for bad checks started out: "Whereas, the city of Shelbyville through its various governmental fascists receives numerous checks..." This was changed to "governmental facets."
Elkhart: It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears.
Evansville: While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.
Fort Wayne: You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record "It's In the Book".
Gary: Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar.
Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor.
Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide.
If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Certain Immoral Practices.
In Indiana it is illegal to sell laughing gas with the intent to induce laughter.
It is against the law to pass a horse on the street.
It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.
It is illegal for a man to be sexually aroused in public.
It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday.
Liquor stores may not sell milk.
Men are prohibited from standing in a bar.
Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.
No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.
One man may not back into a parking spot because it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate.
Oral sex is illegal.
Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights.
Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session.
State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.
Taxpayers of Bainbridge, Ind., used to have to swear a solemn oath that the values they placed on their taxable property were the fair market values.
Terre Haute: No one may spit on the sidewalk.
The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415.
You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table; the waiter or waitress has to do it.
You are required to pour your drink into a glass.
You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her.

Iowa
A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.
An owner or employee of an establishment in Iowa that sells alcohol can't legally consume a drink there after closing for business.
Don't plan on running a "tab" in Iowa; it's illegal.
Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
If a law enforcement officer is having a drink in a bar in Iowa and an employee pours water down the drain, the water is legally considered an alcohol beverage intended for unlawful purposes.
In Dubuque any hotel in the city limits must have a water bucket and a hitching post in front of the building.
In Fort Madison the fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire.
In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unaquainted."
Indianola: The "Ice Cream Man" and his truck are banned.
It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp.
It is illegal to hunt from an aircraft.
It is illegal to accept a gratuity or tip in Iowa.
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.
Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
One-armed piano players must perform for free.
Riverboat gamblers in Iowa have a $5 maximum bet.
The Iowa Legislature once passed a resolution ordering the state cafeteria to start serving cornbread.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms.
You may shoot Native Americans if there are more than five of them on your property at any one time.

Kansas
Dodge City: It is illegal to spit on a sidewalk.
All places of business must provide a horse water troft
If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.
In Kansas City, KS, saying the name "George Washington" without adding the phrase "blessed be his name," can land you with a fine of up to fifty cents.
In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites.
In Topeka, Kansas, servers are forbidden to serve wine in teacups.
In Wichita, at the intersection of Douglas and Broadway, all motorists are required to stop at the intersection, exit their vehicles, and fire three shotgun rounds, before continuing on their way.
It is illegal to catch bullfrogs in a tomato patch.
It is illegal to hunt whales.
It is illegal to put ice cream on cherry pie in Kansas.
Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to wear tail lights.
Lawrence: All cars entering the city limits must first sound their horn to warn the horses of their arrival.
No one may wear a bee in their hat.
Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
No one may catch fish with his bare hands in Kansas.
Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats.
Russell: Musical car horns are banned
Salina: It is against the law to leave your car running unattended.
The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks.
Topeka: The installation of bathtubs is prohibited.
Any person caught using or carrying bean snappers or the like shall upon conviction, be fined. -City ordinance 349 of Wichita, Kansas.

Kentucky
A person can be sent to jail for five years for merely sending a bottle of beer, wine or spirits as a gift to a friend in Kentucky.
An ordinance in Murray, Ky., says the superintendent of sanitation "shall determine whether a person is small, medium or large." Why the superintendent should make this determination is left unsaid.
All nude people in your house must be registered in Kentucky.
An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club". The following important ammendment however is to be considered here: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds
Any person who appears on any highway, or upon the street of any city that has no police protection, when clothed only in ordinary bathing garb, shall be fined no less than five dollars nor more than twenty-five dollars." - KRS 436.140
Any person who displays, handles or uses any kind of reptile in connection with any religious service or gathering shall be fined not less than fifty dollars ($50) nor more than one hundred dollars ($100). -KRS 437.060 (Passed 1942, from Ky. Stat. sec. 1267a-1.).
By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground".
Each year, the mayor of Danville, Ky., must appoint "three intelligent housekeepers" to the Board of Tax Supervisors.
Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie.
In Danville, Ky., it's illegal to throw slops or soapsuds in the street.
In Kentucky every citizen of is required to take a shower once a year.
In Kentucky you need a license to walk around nude on your property.
In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket.
It is illegal in Kentucky to marry the same man more than 3 times.
It is illegal to fish with a bow and arrow in Kentucky.
It is illegal to shoot game out of the window of a moving vehicle, with the exception of a whale
It's illegal to fish in the Ohio River in Kentucky without an Indiana Fishing License.
No person owning or controlling a billiard or pool table shall permit, for compensation or reward, any minor under eighteen (18) years of age to play any game on the table, unless such minor shall have first displayed an identification card containing his name, age, photograph, and the signature of his parents or guardian. The minor shall keep such identification card on his person, and it shall be subject to inspection at any time by any peace officer. The person owning or controlling such billiard or pool table shall keep and maintain a registration book in which each minor shall sign. The person owning or controlling such billiard or pool table shall supply a blank identification card to each parent or guardian who makes request for same. Any person who violates this section shall be fined not less than ten ($10) nor more than one hundred dollars ($100) for each offense. -KRS 436.320 (Passed 1893; Amended in 1954, Ky. Acts ch. 232, sec. 1)
No person shall sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange, display or possess living baby chicks, ducklings, or other fowl or rabbits which have been dyed or colored; nor dye or color any baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits; nor sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange or to give away baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits, under two months of age in any quantity less than six, except that any rabbit weighing three pounds or more may be sold at an age of six weeks. Any person who violates this section shall be fined not less than $100 nor more than $500. -KRS 436.600 (Passed 1966 Ky. Acts ch. 215, sec. 5.)
Owensboro: A woman may not buy a hat without her husband's permission.
One may not receive anal sex.
All bees entering Kentucky shall be accompanied by certificates of health, stating that the apiary from which the bees came was free from contagious or infectious disease. -KRS 252.130 (Passed in 1922; Repealed in 1948)

Louisiana
An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault", while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault".
Communism has been against the law in Haines City, La., since 1950.
If you've ever been to Mardi Gras in New Orleans, you'll see the kings and queens on the various floats throwing plastic money, medallions and jewels to the crowd, but not food. It's against the law to throw food from a float in the Mardi Gras festivities.
It is against state law to steal even a single crawfish.
It is illegal to gargle in public places.
It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
It illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it.
It is illegal in Lafayette, Louisiana to play a musical instrument for the purpose of attracting attention, without a license.
It's legal to walk down the street with a drink in New Orleans, even to drive with a drink. But if you fall over and block the sidewalk, you've just broken the law.
Louisiana law prohibits couples who are shopping for a new bed from putting it to the "ultimate test"-- in other words, from trying it out by making love on it, or even simulating this activity.
Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
New Orleans: You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.
Rituals that involve the ingestion of blood, urine, or fecal matter are not allowed.
Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked
Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.

Maine
After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up.
In Augusta to stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law.
It's illegal to clean salmon along Maine's upper Kennebec River. Enforcement of this law has been made easier for many years by the fact that, because of a dam, there are no salmon on the upper Kennebec River.
In Maine, it is illegal to sell a car on Sunday unless it comes equipped with plumbing.
In Maine it's illegal to catch lobsters with your bare hands.
In Portland shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.
In Waterville, Maine, it is illegal to blow one's nose in public.
It's unlawful to tickle a woman's chin with a feather duster in Portland.
Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.
You may not step out of a plane in flight.

Maryland
Baltimore City: Though you may spit on a city roadway, spitting on city sidewalks is prohibited.
You may not curse inside the city limits.
Baltimore: It's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits.
It's illegal to take a lion to the movies.
It is a park rule violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. $10 fine. This would include joggers that go shirtless. (1898) -Park Rule 6
It is a violation of city code to sell chicks or ducklings to a minor within 1 week of the Easter holiday.
Baltimore has regulations governing the disposal of hog's heads, pet droppings and oyster shells.
Columbia: You can not have a antenna exposed outside of your house yet you can have a 25' satellite dish.
Though clotheslines are banned, clothes may be draped over a fence.
Eating while swimming in the ocean is prohibited.
Gypsies should steer clear of Caroline County, Md., where it's a $100 fine or six months in the can for "forecasting or pretending to foretell the future."
In Baltimore it's illegal to block the sidewalk with a box. But the offense only carries a $1 fine. Another law makes it illegal to throw bale of hay (or of anything else) out a second-story window. That gets you a $20 fine.
In Baltimore it's illegal to play professional croquet before 2 p.m. Sunday. The law also applies to professional quoits.
In Baltimore it is illegal to mistreat oysters.
In Baltimore, it is illegal to wash or scrub sinks no matter how dirty they get.
In Halethrope, Maryland kisses longer than one second are illegal.
In Maryland, a woman may not go through her husband's pockets while he is sleeping.
In Maryland, men may not buy drinks for female bartenders.
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
In Maryland, the legislature once proposed a board of parachute examiners be made up of five licensed parachute instructors who would test and license all other parachute instructors. The plan had been abandoned when it was learned there were only three licensed parachute instructors in the state.
In the entire state of Maryland, it is illegal to give or recieve oral sex.
Maryland now requires that alcohol beverage writers be certified as experts by an agency of the state before they can receive product samples, which it limits to three bottles per brand.
Ocean City: A law from the early 1900's prohibits men from going topless on the Boardwalk.
Thistles may not grow in one's yard.

Massachusetts
A Boston mayor who disliked dancing and liked to retire early once banned midnight dancing in the Hub City.
A woman can not be on top in sexual activities.
Affiliation with the Communist party is illegal.
Alcoholic drink specials are illegal.
All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday.
An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.
Boston: It is illegal to play the fiddle.
Two people may not kiss in front of a church.
No more than two baths may be taken within the confines of the city.
No one may cross the Boston Common without carrying a shotgun in case of bears
Anyone may let their sheep and cows graze in the public gardens/commons at any time except o Sundays.
It is illegal to eat peanuts in church.
An old law prohibits the taking of baths on Sunday.
Duels to the death permitted on the common on Sundays provided that the Governor is present.
Women may not wear heels over 3 inches in length while on the common.
No one may take a bath without a prescription.
It is illegal for any citizen to own more than three dogs.
Both Massachusetts and New Hampshire had old laws that penalized gamblers who lost money. You'd get fined in Massachusetts if you had any money left.
Bullets may not be used as currency.
Burlington: You may not walk around with a "drink".
Cambridge: It is illegal to shake carpets in the street, or to throw orange peels on the sidewalk. It costs $50 extra for a permit for hurling, soccer or Gaelic football games in a public park on a Sunday.
Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.
Defacing a milk carton is punishable by a $10 fine.
Eating while swimming in the ocean is prohibited.
Hingham: You may not have colored lights on your house if it can be seen from Main Street. Only white lights may be visible.
If you live on Main Street and want to paint your house, the colors must be approved by the historical society.
Hopkinton: Though horses and cows are allowed on the common, dogs are prohibited.
Hunting on Sundays is prohibited.
Holyoke, Massachusetts, makes it unlawful to water your lawn when it is raining.
In a law that predates returnable bottles and cans, it's illegal in Boston to rummage through rubbish containers.
In 1659 the state of Massachusetts outlawed Christmas.
In Boston it's illegal to post an advertisement on a public urinal. It's also against the law to hang a vending machine on a utility pole.
In Boston, it's illegal to cut firewood in the street, or shoot a bow and arrow in the street.
In Boston it's against the law to keep manure in a building unless the building is being used as a stable. If it is, you can keep up to two cords of manure. If you're overstocked, you need a permit to move the stuff. And you can't leave it in the street.
In Massachusetts, it is unlawful to deliver diapers on Sunday, regardless of emergencies.
In Provincetown, Mass., it's illegal to sell suntan oil until after noon on Sunday.
In Salem, Massachesetts sleeping in the nude in a rented room is forbidden, even for married couples.
It is illegal to frighten a pigeon.
It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.
It is illegal to put tomatoes in clam chowder.
It is illegal to reproach Jesus Christ or the holy ghost.
It is unlawful to injure a football goal post, doing so is punishable by a $200 fine
It's illegal to allow someone to use stilts while working on the construction of a building.
It's illegal to drive Texan, Mexican, Cherokee, or Indian cattle on a public road.
It's illegal to keep a mule on the second floor of a building not in a city unless there are 2 exits.
It's illegal to sell fewer than 24 ducklings at a time before May 1, or to sell rabbits, chicks, or ducklings that have been painted a different color.
Longmeadow: It is illegal for two men to carry a bathtub across the town green.
Marlboro: It is illegal to buy, sell or possess a squirt gun.
Silly string is illegal in the city limits.
One may not detonate a nuclear device in the city.
Massachusetts law declares that peanuts may not be eaten in court.
Massachusetts liquor stores can only open on Sundays if they are in Berkshire, Essex, Franklin, Middlesex or Worcester counties and are within 10 miles of the Vermont or New Hampshire borders.
Milford: Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden.
Newton: All families must be given a hog from the town's mayor.
No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.
North Andover: An ordinance prohibits the use of space guns.
Public boxing matches are outlawed.
Quakers and witches are banned.
Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
Southbridge, Massachusetts, makes it illegal to read books or newspapers after 8 p.m. in the streets.
Tattooing and body piercing is illegal.
Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs tied during the month of April.
Under an old law in Marblehead, Mass., it was illegal to cross the street on Sunday, unless absolutely necessary.
Woburn: In bars, it is illegal to "walk around" with a beer in your hand.
You may not, at any time take a crap on your neighbour.

Michigan
A Michigan law states that a wife's hair legally belongs to her husband.
A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony.
In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.
In Detroit, Michigan it is illegal to sleep in a bathtub.
In Rochester, Michigan, anyone bathing in public must have his or her bathing suit inspected by a police officer.
It is legal for a robber to file a law suit, if he or she got hurt in your house.
It is illegal to loiter in the city morgue in Detroit.
It's illegal in Michigan for a person under the age of 21 to give a gift of alcohol beverage to anyone, even to a person of legal age.
Permitting diners to take home an unfinished bottle of alcohol beverage, rather than consuming it all before leaving to prevent "waste," encourages moderation and discourages intoxication. However, this is prohibited in Michigan.
Smoking while in bed is illegal.
The use of the names of dead presidents to sell alcohol in Michigan is prohibited.
Under an 1889 law, the health officer of East Jordan, Mich., could send any nonresident with an infectious disease back to where he came from, as long as the person could travel. If not, the officer could rent a house for use as a pest house.
You may not swear in front of women and children in the state of Michigan.

Minnesota
A Blue Earth, Minnesota, law declares that no child under the age of twelve may talk over the telephone unless monitored by a parent.
A Minnesota tax form is quite thorough. Some would say too thorough. It even asks for your date of death.
A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head.
A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
All bathtubs must have feet.
All men driving motorcycles must wear shirts.
Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony.
Clawson: There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
Every man in Brainerd, Minnesota is required by law to grow a beard.
Grand Haven: No person shall throw an abandoned hoop skirt into any street or on any sidewalk, under penalty of a five- dollar fine for each offense.
Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays.
Harper Woods: It is illegal to paint sparrows to sell them as parakeets.
Hibbing: It shall be the duty of any policeman or any other officer to enforce the provisions of this Section, and if any cat is found running at large, or which is found in any street, alley or public place, it shall be the duty of any policeman or other officer of the city to kill such cat.
In Duluth, Minnesota it is illegal to allow animals to sleep in a bakery.
In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks. (As if being sprayed weren't enough of a deterrent.)
It is illegal to sleep naked.
It is legal for a robber to file a law suit, if he or she got hurt in your house.
It used to be legal in Minnesota to sell rolled candy on Sunday, and illegal to sell flat candy. The wafer people have gotten this one repealed.
Minneapolis: Red cars can not drive down Lake Street
Minnesota has repealed its so-called "Twinkie" law, under which a Minneapolis City Council candidate was indicted for dispensing $34 worth of Twinkies, Ho-Hos, cookies, Kool-Aid and coffee to some senior citizens.
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Oral sex is prohibited.
Public intoxication is a crime in Pennsylvania but specifically not a crime in Minnesota.
There is a 10 cent bounty for each rat's head brought into a town office.
Virginia: You're not allowed to park your elephant on Main Street.
Wayland: Anyone can keep their cow on Main Street downtown at a cost of 3 cents per day.
Kalamazoo: It is against the law to serenade your girlfriend.

Mississippi
Adultery or Fornication (living together while not married or having sex with someone that is not your spouse) results in a fine of $500 and/or 6 months in prison.
Cattle rustling is punishable by hanging.
Columbus: The fine for waving a gun in public is higher than actually shooting it.
Horses are not to be housed within 50 feet of any road.
In Brandon, Mississipi it is illegal to attempt to stop someone from walking down the sidewalk by parking a motorhome in their path.
In Temperance, MS, you can't walk a dog without dressing it in diapers.
In Oxford, Miss., it's illegal to "create unnecessary noises."
It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public.
Oxford: It is illegal to drive around the town square more than 100 times in a single session.
One may not spit on the sidewalks on the square.
Motor vehicles on the square are prohibited.
Horn honking is not permitted as it might scare horses.
Tylertown: It is unlawful to shave in the center of main street.
Unnatural intercourse, if both parties voluntarily participate, results in a maximum sentence of 10 years and $10,000.
Vagrancy is punishable by either 30 days in prison or a $201 fine.

Missouri
Anyone under the age of 21 who takes out household trash containing even a single empty alcohol beverage container can be charged with illegal possession of alcohol in Missouri.
Buckner: In this small town of only 4,000, yard waste may be burned any day except Sunday.
Children can buy shotguns in Kansas City, Missouri... but not toy cap guns.
Excelsior Springs: Hard objects may not be thrown by hand.
Worrying squirrels is not tolerated.
Four women may not rent an apartment together.
Hard objects may not be thrown by hand.
In Ballwin, Mo., the only place you can use vulgar, obscene or indecent language is in your home.
In Merryville women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
In Springfield, door to door salesman are prohibited from selling their goods while standing in the middle of the road, screaming at passing vehicles.
In St. Louis, a law on the books makes it illegal to park your car without turning off the engine. This was to avoid scaring horses.
It is not illegal to speed.
Installation of bathtubs with four legs resembling animal paws is prohibited.
Marceline: Minors can buy rolling paper and tobacco but not lighters.
Marquette: It is illegal for more than four unrelated persons to occupy the same dwelling (The Brothel Law).
Mole: Frightening a baby is in violation of the law.
Natchez: It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants.
Purdy: Dancing is strictly prohibited.
St. Louis: It's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. This law referslback to the extinct Italian celebration, Hill Day, when beer was served in buckets.
A milk man may not run while on duty.

Montana
It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.
It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.
In Billings, Montana it is illegal for employees of the city's communications center to program their phones with speed dial.
Balls may not be thrown within the city limits.
It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime in Montana.
Bozeman has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude.
Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them.
It is illegal for a man and a woman to have sex in any other position other than missionary style.
In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.
Helena: No item may be thrown across a street.
Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
Salisbury: Pop bottles are not to be thrown on the ground.
Whitehall: It is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.
Montana just legalized the production of caviar.

Nebraska
A man is not allowed to run around with a shaved chest.
A parent can be arrested if her/his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.
Barbers are forbidden by law from shaving a man's chest in Omaha, Nebraska.
In the fine state of Nebraska, it is not legal for a tavern owner to serve beer unless a nice kettle of soup is also brewing.
It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.
It is Illegal to go whale fishing.
It is illegal to sleep naked in a hotel/ motel room.
Lehigh: Doughnut holes may not be sold
Omaha: Sneezing or burping is illegal during a church service.
The owner of every hotel in Hastings is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
Waterloo: Barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7 A.M. and 7 P.M.
Nevada
A man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day.
Clark County: An ordinance makes bringing a concealable fire arm into the county illegal unless it is registered with the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department. In order to register a handgun, however, it must be brought in to the police station. Furthermore, you may not register a gun on the weekends, but the police may prosecute you at that time.
Elko: Everyone walking the streets is required to wear a mask.
Eureka: Men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.
In Eureka, Nevada men who have mustaches are forbidden from kissing women.
In Las Vegas, Nevada: It's against the law to pawn your dentures.
In Las Vegas you can bet on any team--except The University of Nevada at Las Vegas.
In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
In Nevada until the 1960s it was illegal to sell liquor at religious camp meetings, within a half-mile of the state prison, in the State Capitol Building or to imbeciles.
In Reno, Nevada staging a marathon dance is illegal, although posting a notice on a fire hydrant about illegal dance marathons is not.
In the old days in Nevada a man caught beating his wife was tied to a stake for eight hours a day with a sign that read, "Wife Beater" fastened to his chest.
It's illegal in Nevada to have a "house of ill fame" within 400 yards of a church or school.
It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
It is illegal in Reno, Nevada to conceal a spray-painted shopping cart in your basement.
It's still "legal" to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property.
Saloonkeepers had to post the names of habitual drunkards if so requested by the local sheriff or members of the imbibers' immediate families.

New Hampshire
Any cattle that crosses state roads must be fitted with a device to gather its feces.
If a person is caught raking the beaches, picking up litter, hauling away trash, building a bench for the park, or many other kind things without a permit, he/she may be fined $150 for ''maintaining the national forest without a permit''.
In New Hampshire it is illegal to inhale bus fumes with the intent of inducing euphoria.
In New Hampshire you are prohibited from pawning the clothes off your back to pay off gambling debts.
It is considered an offense to check into a hotel under an assumed name.
It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.
New Hampshire law forbids you to your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up.
You may not run machinery on Sundays.

New Jersey
Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street.
Bernards Township: It is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone".
Caldwell: You may not dance or wear shorts on the main avenue.
Car dealerships are forbidden from opening on Sunday.
Cranford: Citizens are not permitted to park their own boat on their lawn.
Cresskill: All cats must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts.
Elizabeth: It is forbidden for a woman, on a Sunday, to walk down Broad Street without wearing a petticoat.
If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates.
In Berkley Heights you may not walk your cattle on the street on Sunday.
In New Jersey it is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon.
It's illegal in New Jersey for parents to give their children under the age of 18 even a sip of alcohol.
It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer.
It's also illegal in this state to throw a bad pickle on the street.
Lovers in Liberty Corner should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.
Manville: It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals a the local zoo.
Newark: It is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.
Ocean City: People may not slurp their soup.
Pinball machines are not to be played on Sunday.
Raw hamburger may not be sold.
On a highway you can not park under a bridge.
Raritan: Profanity is prohibited.
Sea Isle City: There will be no boiling of bones on the property.
There is no horse racing allowed on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Pickles are not to be consumed on Sundays.
You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only.

New Mexico
A city council member in Albuquerque, N.M., introduced a resolution a few years ago to ban Santa Claus from the city. The matter was defeated.
Carrizozo: It's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public.
In Albuquerque, New Mexico it is illegal for cab drivers to reach out and pull potential customers into their cabs.
In Carlsbad it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
In recent years, several efforts have been made to legalize camel racing and ostrich racing in New Mexico, but to no avail. Those bills were defeated, but the legislature recently allowed gambling on bicycle races.
Las Cruces: You may not carry a lunchbox down Main Street.
State officials ordered 400 words of "sexually explicit material" to be cut from Romeo and Juliet.

New York
A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.
A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
Before the enactment of the 1978 law that made it mandatory for dog owners in New York City to clean up after their pets, approximately 40 million pounds of dog excrement were deposited on the streets every year.
Carmel: A man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.
Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers".
Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn, N.Y.
During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks.
In New York, you can teach your pet parrot to speak, but not to squawk.
In New York City you need a permit to transport carbonated beverages.
In New York City, it's illegal to throw swill into the street.
In New York City it's illegal to shake a dust mop out a window.
In New York State it is still illegal to shoot a rabbit from a moving trolley car.
In Ocean City, New York It is illegal to eat in the street in residential neighborhoods, and the only beverage you can drink on the beach is water in a clear plastic bottle.
In Ocean City New York, It is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town.
In Staten Island, New York, It is illegal for a father to call his son a "faggot" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior."
In Staten Island, New York, You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand.
In Tonawanda, New York homeless people may not start a fire in the park unless they intend to cook food.
It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing."
It is illegal to jump off the Empire State building.
It's illegal in New York to start any kind of public performance, show, play, game or what have you, until after 1:05 p.m.
Jaywalking is legal, as long as it's not diagonal. That is, you can cross the street out of the crosswalk, but you can't cross a street diagonally.
Members of nine New York Indian tribes are exempt from the city's eight percent parking tax.
New York and a handful of other states require that toilets be evenly divided among men and women in public theaters or arenas.
You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building.
Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.
New York City may be the theater capital of the country, but it's illegal to have a puppet show in your window and a violation can land you in the snoozer for 30 days.
New Yorkers cannot dissolve a marriage for irreconcilable differences, unless they both agree to it.
Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.
The New York City Transit Authority has ruled that women can ride the city subways topless. New York law dictates that if a man can be somewhere without a shirt, a woman gets the same right. The decision came after arrests of women testing the ordinance on the subways. A transit police spokesman said they would comply with the new rule, but "if they were violating any other rules, like sitting on a subway bench topless smoking a cigarette, then we would take action." Smoking is not allowed in the subways.
The New York State Senate passed a resolution to commemorate the 25th anniversary of the Brooklyn Dodgers' 1955 world championship and expressed a longing that someday the Dodgers will return to "their one and only true home."
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
To cut down on its once-horrific graffiti problem, New York City several years ago made it illegal to carry an open can of spray paint.
While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.

North Carolina
A recent proposal that ministers walk the beat with police officers in Belmont, N.C., notes "the ministers will carry a Bible instead of a gun."
An ordinance proposed in Robbins, N.C., states, "In the future, anyone not living within the immediate vicinity of Robbins must have a permit from the Chief of Police and okayed by the Mayor or one of the Commissioners." It's not clear what the permit is for, but they may be on to something.
In Robbins, N.C., anyone who refuses to black out after hearing the blackout signal is subject to a $5 fine.
A marriage can be declared void if either of the two persons is physically impotent.
All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart. Making love in the space between the beds is strictly forbidden.
Barber: Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited.
By town law the sewer service charge in Belhaven, N.C., used to be "$2 per month, per stool." It was recently changed to read "per toilet."
Because people were using them for cheap furniture, it's now illegal in North Carolina to take and sell labeled milk crates.
Chapel Hill: It is a misdemeanor to urinate or defecate publicly.
Charlotte: Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.
Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
Forest City: You must stop and call City Hall before entering town in an automobile. This is so the townspeople will have time to go out and hold their horses until you get through town.
Greensboro: Restaurants "with on sidewalk dining" must post their menu so that it is clearly readable from the sidewalk, but is not readable from the street.
Hornytown: Massage parlors have been banned.
In Asheville, North Carolina, it is illegal to sneeze on city streets.
In Raleigh, North Carolina, before a man asks for a woman's hand in marriage, he must be "inspected by all the barnyard animals on the young woman's family's property, to ensure a harmonious farm life."
If a man and a woman who aren't married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state law, they are legally married.
If you happen to own a marl bed in North Carolina, the law demands that you put a fence around it. A marl bed may not be what you think. It is a kind of rock quarry.
In Forest City, N.C., it's illegal to bring a pea-shooter to a parade. It's also illegal to shoot paper clips with rubberlbands.
In Mooresville, N.C., it's illegal to attach anything to a pool table.
In Nags Headm North Carolina you can be fined for singing out of tune for more than ninety seconds.
In Rockwell, N.C., anyone who violates the terms of a proclamation--such as failing to appropriately celebrate Peanut Day or Jaycees Week--is guilty of a misdemeanor.
North Carolina just passed a law saying a political action committee, or PAC, has to have a name that describes the group's cause or purpose. The idea is to prohibit, say, the highway or tobacco lobbies from calling themselves "Citizens for Good Government."
In North Carolina it's illegal to dig ginseng on other people's property between the months of April and September, according to an 1866 law.
In North Carolina it's illegal to sell cotton lint at night. It's also legal to sell cottonseed at night.
In Winston-Salem, North Carolina, it is against the law for children under seven years of age to go to college.
It is against the law to roller blade on a state highway.
It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard.
It's unlawful to attract a crowd in Forest City, N.C., except when aching the Gospel, politicking or "serenading on occasion of public rejoicing."
Kill Devil Hills: You may not ride a bicycle without having both your hands on the handle bars.
North Carolina forbids sex outside of marriage, or "fornication," but the girlfriend as well as the man would have to be prosecuted.
Oral sex is considered a crime against nature.
Punching an official at a youth sports program in Nashville, N.C., incurs a three-year suspension from the program for adult spectators as well as participants.
Rocky Mount: It is required that you must pay a property tax on your dog.
Thomasville, North Carolina, prohibits airplanes from flying over the town on Sundays during the hours between 11 a.m. and 1 p.m.
The good people of Tryon, N.C., are serious about getting a good night's sleep. It's against the law for anyone to keep "fowl that shall cackle," or for anyone to play the piccolo between the hours of 11 p.m. and 7:30 a.m.
While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled.
lon College: There is to be no roller-blading during daylight hours, on the roads, or on the bricks. All the sidewalks at this college are made of brick.

North Dakota
Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
Fargo: One may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.
In Collierville: Keeping clean can be a chilly proposition, as a law there says all bathtubs must be kept in the backyard.
In North Dakota, charitable groups can hold stud poker games to raise money, but only twice a year
In North Dakota it is illegal to keep an elk in a sandbox in your backyard.
In Waverly you better not let your horse near the tub, since horses are prohibited from sleeping in them, as well as in the house.
It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon.

Ohio
According to Ohio law, it's against the law to kill a housefly within 160 feet of a church without a license. â€¢ A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him. However, the reverse is not true, even if it's a police dog.â€¢ Bay Village: It is illegal to walk a cow down Lake Road. â€¢ Bexley: The installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses is prohibited. â€¢ Breast feeding is not allowed in public. â€¢ Cars are not allowed to scare horses in Centerville, Ohio.â€¢ Cincinnati: Anal intercourse is banned. â€¢ Cleveland: It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license! â€¢ Cleveland law forbids you cohoperate a motor vehicle while sitting in another person's lap. â€¢ In Cleveland, Ohio, women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear. â€¢ Clinton County: Any person who leans against a public building will be subject to fines. â€¢ In Chillicothe, Ohio it is illegal to throw rice at weddings. â€¢ Columbus: It is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday. â€¢ Fairview Park: It's against the law to honk your horn "excessively". A grandmother was fined for honking her horn twice at her neighbor. Items left on a tree lawn become city property. A young man was fined for removing an item from a tree lawn even though he had the owner's permission. â€¢ Funeral jargon seems to have crept into the wording of a cemetery fee regulation in Norton, Ohio. There regular plots are $33, but "creamies" are $75. â€¢ In Columbus, Ohio it is illegal to sell cornflakes on Sunday. â€¢ In Marysville, Ohio it is illegal for a dog to urinate on a parking meter. â€¢ In the hippy-dippy late '60s, Youngstown, Ohio, briefly had a law making it illegal to walk barefoot through town. â€¢ In ohio it is illegal to ride on the roof of a taxi cab â€¢ In ohio it is illegal to run out of gasâ€¢ In Ohio women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear â€¢ In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. â€¢ In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.â€¢ In Oxford, Ohio, it is unlawful for a woman to appear in public while unshaven. This includes legs and face.â€¢ In Xenia, Ohio, it's illegal to spit in a salad bar â€¢ Ironton: Cross-dressing is against the law. â€¢ It is against the law to roller skate without notifying the police. â€¢ It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house. â€¢ It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday. â€¢ It is illegal to get a fish drunk. â€¢ It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance. â€¢ It is legal to throw a snake at someone but it is illegal to shake a snake at someone.â€¢ Items left on a tree lawn become city property. A young man was fined for removing an item from a tree lawn â€¢ even though he had the owner's permission. â€¢ Items left on a tree lawn become city property. A young man was fined for removing an item from a tree lawn even though he had the owner's permission. â€¢ It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license. â€¢ Lima: Any map that does not have Lima clearly stated on the map cannot be sold. â€¢ Lowell: It is unlawful to run a horse over five miles per hour. â€¢ Marion: You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street. â€¢ McDonald: Your goose may not paraded down Main Street. â€¢ No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July. â€¢ No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July. â€¢ North Canton: It is against the law to roller skate without notifying the police. â€¢ Owners of tigers must notify authorities within one hour if the tiger escapes. â€¢ Oxford: It's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. â€¢ Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited. â€¢ Paulding: A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him. â€¢ Riding on the roof of a taxi cab is not allowed. â€¢ The Ohio driver's education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car. â€¢ Throwing a snake at anyone is illegal. â€¢ Toledo: Throwing a snake at anyone is illegal. â€¢ Women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear. â€¢ Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public. â€¢ Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio, a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"â€¢ You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street. â€¢ You may not run out of gas.â€¢ Youngstown: Riding on the roof of a taxi cab is not allowed. You may not run out of gas.
Oklahomaâ€¢ Alfalfa Bill Murray was a legendary legislator in Oklahoma around the turn of the century who became speaker of the house and governor. He was also a tall fellow, and nothing ticked him off more than going into a hotel and having short sheets on the bed. In 1908 he had a law passed that required all hotels in the Sooner state to have sheets that covered the bed and had three extra feet of linen to cover the head and feet. The so-called "Nine Foot Sheet" stayed on the books for several decades, until after Alfalfa went to his last resting place. â€¢ A City Ordinance in Oklahoma, states that it shall be unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window.â€¢ Ada: If you wear New York Jets clothing, you may be put in jail. â€¢ Anyone arrested for soliciting a hooker must have their name and picture shown on television. â€¢ Cars must be tethered outside of public buildings. â€¢ Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.â€¢ Clinton: Molesting an automobile is illegal. â€¢ Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property. â€¢ Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state. â€¢ Fish may not be contained in fishbowls while on a public bus. â€¢ Harthahorne City Ordinance, Section 363, states that it shall be unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window. â€¢ If she's not a virgin, it is okay, but the said person must be over 16. If both parties are under 18, then the law does not apply. â€¢ If you wear New York Jets clothing, you may be put in jail.â€¢ In Broken Arrow, Oklahoma pigs less than 32 inches in length may be kept as pets provided there are no more than two in a house. â€¢ In Bromide, Oklahoma it is illegal for children to use towels as capes and jump from houses pretending to be superman. â€¢ In Oklahoma... Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property. Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger. â€¢ In Oklahoma, people who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed. â€¢ In Tulsa, Oklahoma the limit on kisses is three minutes (by law).â€¢ In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law cohopen a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer. â€¢ It is against the law to read a comic book while operating a motor vehicle. â€¢ It is illegal to have sex before you are married. â€¢ It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots. â€¢ It is illegal to wear your boots to bed. â€¢ It's statutory rape for a man over 18 to have sex with a female under the age of 18, provided she's a virgin. If she's not a virgin, it is okay, but the said person must be over 16. If both parties are under 18, then the law does not apply. â€¢ Molesting an automobile is illegal. â€¢ No one may spit on a sidewalk. â€¢ Oklahoma City: No one may walk backwards downtown while eating a hamburger. â€¢ Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger. â€¢ One may not promote a "horse tripping event".â€¢ Oral sex is a misdemeanor and is punisable by one year in jail and a $2,500 fine. â€¢ People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed. â€¢ Residents are taxed for the furniture in their homes, and any other personal belongings. â€¢ Schulter: Women may not gamble in the nude, in lingerie, or while wearing a towel. â€¢ Tattoos are banned. â€¢ Tissues are not to be found in the back of one's car. â€¢ Tulsa: You may not open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer. Elephants are not to be taken into the downtown area. â€¢ Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog. â€¢ Whale hunting is strictly prohibitted throughout the entire state of Oklahoma.â€¢ Whaling is illegal. â€¢ Women may not gamble in the nude, in lingerie, or while wearing a towel.â€¢ Wynona: One's mode of transportation must be tied up while not attended. Mules may not drink out of bird baths. Clothes may not be washed in bird baths. â€¢ Yukon: It is illegal to tie a horse in front of city hall. While passing another vehicle, you must honk your horn.
Oregonâ€¢ Beaverton: You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm. â€¢ Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing. â€¢ Dishes must drip dry. â€¢ Eugene: It is illegal to show movies or attend a car race on Sundays. It is legal to conduct a horse race or a symphony concert. â€¢ Hood River: Juggling is strictly prohibited without a license.â€¢ In Oregon anyone with a bad reputation is prohibited from distributing malt beverages.â€¢ In Salem, Oregon, it's illegal for patrons of establishments that feature nude dancing to be within two feet of the dancers. â€¢ In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife. â€¢ It is against the law for animals to have sex in the city limits. â€¢ It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal to smoke it on your own property. â€¢ It is illegal to whisper "dirty" things in your lover's ear during sex. â€¢ It's against the law for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating rink. â€¢ It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex. â€¢ Just to let you guys know. there is a law in Portland, Oregon saying that it is illegal to own bolt cutters but yet they sell them in all the local hardware stores. One of our friends got pulled over for carrying a bolt cutter down the street and the police took it away from him saying it was illegal for him to have. (Reader Submitted) â€¢ Klamath Falls: It's illegal to walk down a sidewalk and knock a snakes head off with your cane. â€¢ Marion: Ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon. â€¢ Ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon. â€¢ Myrtle Creek: One may not box with a kangaroo. â€¢ No more than two people may share a single drink.â€¢ One may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing," i.e., that which covers one's body from neck to knee. â€¢ One may not box with a kangaroo.â€¢ People may not whistle underwater. â€¢ Portland: It's against the law for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating rink. People may not whistle underwater. You cannot wear roller skates in restrooms. â€¢ Salem: Women may not wrestle in Salem. Springfield It is illegal to own a reptile within the city limits, unless you are a school or city, as a pet. â€¢ Stanfield: It is against the law for animals to have sex in the city limits. Cloth towel dispensers are banned from restrooms. No more than two people may share a single drink. â€¢ The "Peer Review Statute" prohibits you from finding out details of any written or oral discussion about your medical treatment. Not even a court of law can. All you can access is what the doctor or nurse voluntarily records in your chart. â€¢ You may not pump your own gas in service stations. â€¢ You must let your dishes drip dry.
Pennsylvaniaâ€¢ A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel. â€¢ A special cleaning ordinance bans homemakers from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling. â€¢ All fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires. â€¢ Allentown: There is a ban on men becoming aroused in public. â€¢ Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue. â€¢ Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes.â€¢ By law, "watch stuffers" are unwelcome in McKeesport, Pa. Now, no one is quite sure what a watch stuffer does, but whatever he does, he better do it somewhere else. â€¢ Carlisle: In the middle of town, one must pay a fee of $50 dollars a year to park on a particular block. At night, however, the cars must be moved for street cleaning. This law is enforced even if snow or ice prevents the cars from being moved. â€¢ Connellsville: One's pants may be worn no lower than five inches below the waist. â€¢ Danville: All fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires. â€¢ Dynamite is not to be used to catch fish. â€¢ Fireworks stores may not sell fireworks to Pennsylvania residents. â€¢ If a motorist sees a horse coming down the road, the driver must pull off to the side of the road and cover the vehicle with canvas. If the horse is still scared the driver must get out of his car and take it apart until the horse isn't scared anymore. â€¢ In Bensalem, Pennsylvania it is illegal to race mufflerless go-karts after 6PM on Sunday. â€¢ In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.â€¢ In Hazelton, Pennsylvania, there is a law on the books that prohibits a person from sipping a carbonated drink while lecturing students in a school auditorium. â€¢ In Pennsylvania, "any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue."â€¢ In Philadelphia, you can't put pretzels in bags.â€¢ In the Mount Pocono region any group of 5 or more Native Americans are to be considered a raiding party and may be killed on the spot. â€¢ In York, Pennsylvania, you can't sit down while watering your lawn with a hose. â€¢ It sounds like the title of a rock album or something, but "Coasting on Beaver Street" is illegal in Edgeworth, Pa. â€¢ It is contrary to Pennsylvania law to discharge a gun, cannon, revolver or other explosive weapon at a wedding. â€¢ It is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel. However up to â€¢ 120 men can live together, without breaking the law.â€¢ It it illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors. â€¢ Millville: One may not shoot any dog that is found wandering the streets. The sale of alcohol is prohibited. â€¢ Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk. â€¢ Morrisville: It is required that a woman have a permit to wear cosmetics. â€¢ Motorized vehicles are not to be sold on Sundays. â€¢ Newtown: Every outlet or switch (which can be purchased for 59 cents) that is installed requires an electrical inspection fee of 1 dollar and 33 cents. â€¢ No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife. â€¢ No more than two packages of beer at a time may be purchased, unless you are buying from an official "beer distributor" â€¢ No one is allowed to sleep on a refrigerator. Stoves, dishwashers and microwave ovens are not specifically mentioned.â€¢ Pittsburgh: It is still illegal to bring a donkey or a mule onto a trolley car. No one is allowed to sleep on a refrigerator. â€¢ Ridley Park: You cannot walk backwards eating peanuts in front of the Barnstormers Auditorium during a performance. â€¢ Tarentum: Horses are not to be tied to parking meters.â€¢ The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.â€¢ Though you do not need a fishing license to fish on your own land, but a hunting license is required to hunt on your own land. â€¢ Though you do not need a fishing license to fish on your own land, a hunting license is required to hunt on your own land. â€¢ Witchcraft was first legalized in the colony of Pennsylvania. â€¢ You may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth. â€¢ You may not catch a fish with your hands. â€¢ You may not sing in the bathtub.
Rhode Island â€¢ Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void. â€¢ Exercising any labor, business, or work, or using any game, sport, play, or recreation, or causing any of the above to be done to or by your children, servants, or apprentices on the first day of the week (Sunday) results in a penalty of $5 for the first offense and $10 for the second. â€¢ In Providence, Rhode Island it is illegal to sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday. â€¢ In Newport, Rhode Island it is illegal to smoke from a pipe after sunset.â€¢ In Scituate, Rhode Island it is illegal to keep a flock of chickens in your motorhome if you live in a trailer park. â€¢ Impersonating a town sealer, auctioneer, corder of wood, or a fence-viewer is against the law. Penalty: $20 to $100 fine. â€¢ It is considered an offense to throw pickle juice on a trolley. â€¢ It is illegal to challenge someone to a duel, or accept a duel, even it it is never actually fought. Penalty: Imprisonment for one to seven years. â€¢ It is illegal to coast downhill in your car with your transmission in neutral, or with the clutch disengaged. â€¢ It is illegal to place a windmill within twenty-five (25) rods of any traveled street or road.â€¢ It's a misdemeanor to keep more than 11 inoperable vehicles in front of a house. â€¢ Professional sports, except ice polo and hockey, must obtain a license to play games on Sunday. â€¢ Providence There is not an appeals process for exemption of property tax due to a disability or poverty. It is illegal to wear transparent clothing. You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday. â€¢ Riding a horse over any public highway for the purpose of racing, or testing the speed of the horse is illegal. Penalty: Maximum $20 fine and imprisonment for 10 days.â€¢ This state still prohibits unmarried people from having sex under any circumstances. However, if caught, the lovers are both fined only 10 dollars â€¢ West Warwick It is illegal to use water on even-numbered days for the sole purpose of watering plants, gardens, or lawns. If you break this law there is a fine of $25-$100. â€¢ You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.
South Carolina â€¢ A railroad my not remove itself from a town of more than five hundred people. â€¢ All schools must prepare a suitable program for Francis Willard Day. â€¢ By law, if a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, the marriage must take place.â€¢ Charleston: It is against the law to drive a motorized vehicle on King Street. The Fire Department may blow up your house. This law was made so that the fire department could create a fire brake. â€¢ Dance halls may not operate on Sundays. â€¢ Every adult male must bring a rifle to church on Sunday in order to ward off Indian attacks. â€¢ Fortune tellers are required to obtain a special permit from the state. â€¢ Fountain Inn: Horses are to wear pants at all times. â€¢ Horses may not be kept in bathtubs. â€¢ In some church in South Carolina, every man must bring a rifle to church on Sunday to ward off Indian attacks.â€¢ In some town in South Carolina, it is perfectly legal for a man to beat his wife. But only if its on the courthouse steps on Sunday.â€¢ In South Carolina, wife beaters weren't allowed to hold public office.â€¢ In South Carolina you can be fined for not denouncing "the evils of intemperance" on the fourth Friday of every October. â€¢ It is a capital offense to inadvertently kill someone while attempting suicide. â€¢ It is considered an offense to get a tattoo. â€¢ It is illegal to communicate with a woman using obscene messages. â€¢ It is illegal to display a confederate flag on a courthouse. â€¢ It is illegal to give or receive oral sex. â€¢ It is illegal to sell any alcoholic beverages on Sunday, unless you own a private club. â€¢ It is legal to beat your wife on a Sunday morning on the steps of the state house.â€¢ It is perfectly legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays. â€¢ Lancaster County: It is illegal to dance in public. â€¢ Merchandise may not be sold within a half mile of a church unless fruit is being sold. â€¢ Musical instruments may not be sold on Sunday. â€¢ No work may be done on Sunday. An exception is that light bulbs may be sold.â€¢ On Hilton Head Island, South Carolina it is illegal to shine a flashlight on a sea turtle â€¢ Performing a U-turn within 1,000 feet of an intersection is illegal. â€¢ Railroad companies may be held liable in some instances for scaring horses. â€¢ Spartanburg: Eating watermelons in the Magnolia Street cemetery is forbidden.â€¢ When approaching a four way or blind intersection in a non-horse driven vehicle you must stop 100 ft from the intersection and discharge a firearm into the air to warn horse traffic.
South Dakota â€¢ If there are more than 5 Native Americans on your property you may shoot them.â€¢ In hotels in Sioux Falls, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds! â€¢ In South Dakota no horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.â€¢ In South Dakota it is illegal to try to convince a pacifist to renounce his beliefs by threatening to arm-wrestle him. â€¢ It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory. â€¢ Movies that show police officers being struck, beaten, or treated in an offensive manner are forbidden.â€¢ No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants. â€¢ Spearfish: If three or more Indians are walking down the street together, they can be considered a war party and fired upon.
Tennesseeâ€¢"Crimes against nature" are prohibited. â€¢ Any person crippling, killing or in any way destroying a proud bitch that is running at large shall not be held liable for the damages due to such killing or destruction. â€¢ Driving is not to be done while asleep. â€¢ Dyersburg: It is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date. â€¢ Fayette County: You may not have more than five inoperable vehicles on a piece of property. â€¢ Giving and receiving oral sex is still prohibited by law. â€¢ Hollow logs may not be sold.â€¢ In Jonesboro, Tenn., a slingshot used to be classified by law as a deadly weapon. â€¢ In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it, waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.â€¢ In Tennessee hollow logs may not be sold.â€¢ In Tennessee it is illegal to use a lasso to catch fish. â€¢ It is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date. â€¢ It is illegal to catch a fish with a lasso. â€¢ It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish. â€¢ It is legal to gather and consume road kill â€¢ It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM.â€¢ Knoxville: In front of their buildings, all businesses must have a "hitching post." â€¢ Lenoir City: When you pull up to a stop sign you must fire a gun out the window to warn horse carriages that you are coming. â€¢ Lexington: No one may eat ice cream on the sidewalk. Spitting on the sidewalk is prohibited. â€¢ Memphis: Illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM. Panhandlers must first obtain a $10 permit before begging on the streets of downtown Memphis. It is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners. It is also illegal to take unfinished pie home. All pie must be eaten on the premises. â€¢ More than 8 women may not live in the same house because that would constitute a brothel. â€¢ Nashville: Males may not be sexually aroused in public. â€¢ Stealing a horse is punishable by hanging. â€¢ The age of consent is 16, but 12 if the girl is a virgin.â€¢ You can't shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile. Oneida: An ordinance forbids anyone to sing the song "It Ain't Goin' To Rain No Mo'."
Texasâ€¢ A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.â€¢ A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. â€¢ Abilene: It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing. â€¢ Austin: Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket. â€¢ Beaumont: Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University. â€¢ Borger: It is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind. â€¢ Clarendon: It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster. â€¢ Dallas: It's illegal to possess realistic dildos. â€¢ El Paso: Churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons "of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them." â€¢ Galveston: It is illegal to drive a motor car down Broadway before noon on Sundays. â€¢ Houston: Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday. It is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday. â€¢ If two trains going in opposite directions on the same track meet each other, one can't move until the other does. â€¢ If you went to church in Texas years back, you'd better be recognized. An old law made it illegal to go to church in disguise. â€¢ In Alamo a person found intoxicated must be given a large dose of castor oil by a local doctor...and failure to gulp it down will result in a fine.â€¢ In Corpus Christie it is illegal to raise alligators in your home. â€¢ In Dallas County it is illegal to own any realistic looking, phallic shaped, personal massager more than one foot in length. â€¢ In Houston you cannot buy beer after midnight on Sunday, but you can buy it on Monday. â€¢ In Kingsville, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.â€¢ In Lefors, Texas it is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer at any time while standing. â€¢ In Mesquite, Texas it is illegal for kids to have unusual haircuts. â€¢ In Texas criminals are required to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. â€¢ In Texas it's legal for a chicken to have sex with you, but it's illegal to reciprocate. â€¢ It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel. â€¢ It is illegal to carry a pair of wire-cutters in your back pocket.â€¢ It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.â€¢ It is illegal for a person to shoot a buffalo from the second story of their hotel. â€¢ It is illegal to have an open container in a car. â€¢ It is illegal to have anything protruding from your bumper unless it is attached with a chainâ€¢ It is illegal to milk another person's cow.â€¢ It is illegal to spit on the sidewalk. â€¢ It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. â€¢ It is illegal to urinate on the Alamo. â€¢ It is legal for a husband to beat his wife as long as he uses something no bigger than his thumb. â€¢ It is legal for the blind to go hunting as long as they have someone with them who isn't blind. â€¢ It is legal to commit a homicide as long as you tell the person when, and how you are going to kill them.â€¢ It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. â€¢ In San Antonio, Texas, you can't honk a horn, run a generator, have a revival meeting or do anything else that disturbs the neighborhood and the city has a four-member noise police squad to enforce the law. â€¢ In Texas any artificial constructed underwater barrier reefs must come with an instruction booklet. â€¢ In Texas, sixteen-year old divorced girls are prohibited from talking about sex during high school extracurricular activities. â€¢ It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer. â€¢ Jasper: Dogs must be on a leash at ALL times. Fine of 100 dollars. â€¢ LeFors: It is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing. â€¢ Lubbock County: It is illegal to drive within an arm's length of alcohol - including alcohol in someone else's blood stream. â€¢ Mesquite: It is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts. â€¢ Port Arthur: Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator. â€¢ Richardson: It is now illegal to place a "for sale" sign on a car if it visible from the street. It is illegal to do "U Turns". â€¢ San Antonio: It is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands. â€¢ Temple: No one may ride a horse and buggy through the town square. You can ride your horse in the saloon. Cattle thieves may be hanged on the spot. â€¢ Texarkana: Owners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights.â€¢ Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.â€¢ Texas state law prohibits taking more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. â€¢ The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.â€¢ There is an old law in Texas that states you are unable to tuck your pants into one boot unless you own ten or more cattle. â€¢ When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. â€¢ You can be legally married by publicly introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.
Utahâ€¢ A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence. â€¢ A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance.â€¢ A Utah legislator proposed a resolution urging that each TV weather person be required to provide an ice cream cone to every member of the state House of Representatives whenever the forecast was wrong. The resolution failed, perhaps on First Amendment grounds. â€¢ In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper.The man does not receive any punishment.â€¢ Birds have the right of way on all highways. â€¢ In Monroe, daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor. â€¢ In Utah it is illegal to fish from horseback. â€¢ In Utah, the husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence. â€¢ In Utah when a person reaches the age of 50, he/she can then marry their cousin. â€¢ It is against the law to fish from horseback. â€¢ It is considered an offense to hunt whales. â€¢ It is illegal not to drink milk. â€¢ It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them.â€¢ It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list. â€¢ Kaysville: You must have identification to enter a convenience store after dark. â€¢ Logan: Women may not swear. â€¢ Monroe: Daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor. â€¢ No one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call. â€¢ No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.â€¢ Provo: Throwing snowballs will result in a $50 fine. â€¢ Salt Lake City: No one may walk down the street carrying a paper bag containing a violin. â€¢ The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (BAFT) bans the word "refreshing" to describe any alcohol beverage. â€¢ Throwing snowballs will result in a $50 fine.â€¢ Tremonton: It is illegal to have sex in a moving ambulance and if you are caught, the guy is let go and the woman is punished and her name appears in the newspaper. â€¢ Trout Creek: Pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches. â€¢ When a person reaches the age of 50, he/she can then marry their cousin. â€¢ You're not allowed to sell beverages containing more than 3.2% alcohol.
Vermontâ€¢ As in most dairy states, Vermont does what it can to discourage the use of margarine. For example, it's illegal to use colored margarine in restaurants unless the menu indicates you do--in letters two inches high. Colored margarine can only be served in triangle shaped patties. â€¢ At one time it was illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole. â€¢ Barre All residents shall bathe every Saturday night. â€¢ Call a Vermont court a "kangaroo court" or some similar moniker, and you might be looking at a $200 fine. It is illegal to defame a court. â€¢ In Vermont It's against the law (not to mention impossible) to whistle under water.â€¢ In Vermont it is illegal to paint landscapes in times of war. â€¢ In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth. â€¢ It is illegal to deny the existence of God â€¢ It's against the law in Vermont for vagrants to procure food by force. Apparently if you have a good job and stable home life, it's O.K. to procure food by force. â€¢ Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week- - on Saturday night.â€¢ Whistling underwater is illegal â€¢ Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
Virginiaâ€¢ An old Virginia law was titled, "An Act to Prevent Corrupt Practices or Bribery by Any Person Other Than a Candidate." â€¢ As in many towns, you need a permit to run a barbershop in Christiansburg, Va. But the wording of the town's law indicates that the permit will be revoked if you're caught operating without a permit. â€¢ A Virginia law requires all bathtubs to be kept out in the yards, not inside the houses. â€¢ Children are not to go trick-or-treating on Halloween. â€¢ Citizens must honk their horn while passing other cars. â€¢ Culpeper: No one may wash a mule on the sidewalk. â€¢ Dayton: A person of color may not be outside or within the city limits after 7 pm. â€¢ Driving while not wearing shoes is prohibited. â€¢ If one is not married, it is illegal for him to have sexual relations.â€¢ If you are intoxicated but not driving your car, but the person who is driving your car is intoxicated, both you and the driver can be charged with DUI in Virginia Beach, Virginia. â€¢ In Christiansburg, Va., it's illegal to imitate a police whistle.â€¢ In Christiansburg, Va., it's illegal to "spit, expectorate or deposit any sputum, saliva or any form of saliva or sputum." â€¢ In Newport it's against the law to tickle a girl under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.â€¢ In Norfolk a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. â€¢ In Radford, VA you are not allowed to spit, loogie, puke or urinate on the streets.â€¢ In Richmond, Va., you must buy a license for 93 cents to sell song books on the street.â€¢ In Richmond, Virginia it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee. â€¢ It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays. â€¢ It is illegal to spit on sidewalk. â€¢ It is illegal to tickle women. â€¢ Lebanon: It is illegal to kick your wife out of bed. â€¢ Norfolk: Spitting on a sea gull is not tolerated. A man may face 60 days in jail for patting a woman's derriere. Women must wear a corset after sundown and be in the company of male chaperone. â€¢ Not only is it illegal to have sex with the lights on, one may not have sex in any position other than missionary. â€¢ Perhaps anticipating telemarketing, the town fathers of Albany, Va., have for years prohibited peddlers from using the telephone to either sell things or raise funds. â€¢ Police radar detectors are illegal. â€¢ Richmond: It is illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for a coffee. â€¢ Stafford County: It is legal for a man to beat his wife on the courthouse steps so long as it is before 8:00 pm. â€¢ Swearing at someone over the phone in virginia is punishable by a $100 fine. â€¢ There is a state law prohibiting "corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than candidates." â€¢ There was once a law in Salem Virginia that made it illegal to leave home without knowing where you were going. â€¢ Victoria: It is illegal to skate down the sidewalk of Main Street. â€¢ Virginia Beach: If you are drunk and not driving your car, and the person who is driving the car is drunk as well, you may both receive DUI's. It is illegal for a person to ride on the handlebars of a bike. It is illegal to use profanity on Atlantic Avenue or the boardwalk. It is also unlawful to drive by the same place within 30 minutes on Atlantic Avenue. â€¢ Waynesboro: It is illegal for a woman to drive a car up Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag. â€¢ You cannot buy hardware of any kind on Sunday. â€¢ You cannot sell lettuce on Sunday, but you can sell beer, wine etc. â€¢ You may not have oral or anal sex. â€¢ You may not work on Sunday.
Washingtonâ€¢"It shall be unlawful for a candidate for office or for nomination thereto whose name appears upon the ballot at any election to give to or purchase for another person, not a member of his or her family, any liquor in or upon any premises licensed by the state for the sale of any such liquor by the drink during the hours that the polls are open on the day of such election." â€¢ A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town." â€¢ All lollipops are banned. â€¢ All motor vehicles must be preceded by a man carrying a red flag (daytime) or a red lantern (nighttime) fifty feet in front of said vehicle. â€¢ An old Washington law sent duelists to jail for ten years, assuming they didn't lose the duel. â€¢ A proposed Washington law protects sports referees from civil suit unless their actions were "willful, wanton, reckless, malicious or grossly negligent." â€¢ Auburn: Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail. â€¢ A Washington state law offers the presumption that youngsters will read comic books. â€¢ Bremerton: You may not shuck peanuts on the street. â€¢ Everett: It is illegal to display a hypnotized or allegedly hypnotized person in a store window. If the honey you are eating in Seattle is a blend of honey from or more types of flowers, it's illegal for the honey to be labeled as having come from one type of flower.â€¢ In Electric City, WA, it is illegal to "keep[ ] or permit[ ] to remain, in any location . . . anything whatsoever in which flies or rats may breed or multiply." â€¢ In Olympia, Wash., minors are prohibited from frequenting pool halls. â€¢ In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.â€¢ In Spokane, Wash., it used to be illegal to interrupt a religious meeting by having a horse race. â€¢ In the state of Washington, there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances.â€¢ In the state of Washington it's illegal to catch a fish by throwing a rock at it. â€¢ In Washington state it's illegal for a candidate to buy anyone a drink on Election Day. â€¢ In Washington state it's illegal to sleep in an outhouse without the owner's permission. â€¢ In Washington state it's illegal to sell to minors comics that might incite them to violence or depraved or immoral acts. â€¢ In Washington it's illegal to pretend you're the child of a rich person and entitled to his estate. â€¢ In Washington, anyone under the age of 18 must have parental permission to throw a tear gas canister. â€¢ In Washington state, until quite recently, you could have been fined up to $500 for removing or defacing the label on a pillow. â€¢ It is illegal to deflower a virgin even on their wedding day. â€¢ It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag. â€¢ It is illegal to pretend that one's parents are rich. â€¢ It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.â€¢ Lynden: Dancing and drinking may not occur at the same establishment. â€¢ People may not buy a mattress on Sunday. â€¢ Seattle: You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length. Women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term. No one may set fire to another person's property without prior permission. It is illegal to carry a fishbowl or aquarium onto a bus â€¢ because the sound of the water sloshing may disturb other passengers. â€¢ Spokane: TV's may not be bought on Sundays. â€¢ The state of Washington doesn't allow marathon dancing--or marathon skipping, sliding, gliding, rolling or crawling. â€¢ There is/was a law on the books in Washington state that stated that a motorcar driven at night must be preceded by something like 100 yards by a man carrying a lantern. â€¢ Under the law of the state of Washington, any restroom with pay toilets has to have an equal number of free toilets. This law came to pass after the speaker of the state House of Representatives raced to an all-pay facility without a dime. â€¢ Waldron Island: No structure shall contain more than two toilets that use potable water for flushing. â€¢ Washington state doesn't allow fake wrestling. â€¢ When two trains come to a crossing, neither shall go until the other has passed.â€¢ Wilbur: You may not ride an ugly horse.â€¢ You are not allowed to breast feed in public. â€¢ You need a license to sell condoms in Washington state.
West Virginiaâ€¢ According to the state constitution, it is unlawful for anyone to own a red or a black flag. â€¢ Alderson: One may not walk a lion, tiger or leopard, even on a leash. â€¢ A person may not hold public office if they have ever taken part in a duel. A person may be jailed for up to six months for making fun of someone who does not accept a challenge. â€¢ Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present. â€¢ Huntington: Firemen may not whistle or flirt at any woman passing a firehouse. It is legal to beat your wife so long as it is done in public on Sunday, on the courthouse steps. â€¢ If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined. â€¢ In Alderson, West Virginia, it is illegal to walk a lion, tiger or leopard in the city limits, even it is on a leash.â€¢ In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humerous stories from the pulpit during a church service. â€¢ In West Virginia it is illegal to dig for ginseng on your neighbor's lawn without their permission. â€¢ In West Virginia, it is legal for one to take roadkill home for dinner â€¢ In West Virginia you cannot fly a red flag in front of your house if you are disappointed in your sherrif. â€¢ It is against the law for men to have sex with any animal over 40 pounds in weight. â€¢ It is illegal to put an ice cream cone in your pocket on Sundays. â€¢ It is illegal to snooze on a train. â€¢ It is illegal to spit on any sidewalk which women may walk down. â€¢ It is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lbs.â€¢ It is unlawful for chickens to lay eggs before 8AM and after 4PM.â€¢ Nicholas County: No member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service. â€¢ No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions." â€¢ Road Kill may be taken home for supper. â€¢ When a railroad passes within 1 mile of a community of 100 or more people in it, they must build a station and stop there regularly to pick up and drop off passengers. â€¢ Whistling underwater is prohibited.
Wisconsinâ€¢ As people used to smuggle it in from Illinois, all yellow butter substitute is banned. â€¢ At one time, margarine was illegal. â€¢ A Wisconsin legislator in the 1970s proposed a law providing that no woman over 21 be required to divulge her age. If age information were required by law, women could use an alphabetic code: women in their '20s would use â€¢ A Wisconsin legislator recently introduced a bill making it illegal to tattoo someone under the age of 18. He was quoted as saying, "I'm going to save the buttocks of a few juveniles." â€¢ Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons. â€¢ Car dealerships cannot sell cars on Sunday. â€¢ Cheese making requires a cheese maker's license; Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker's license.â€¢ Citizens may not murder their enemies. â€¢ Condoms were considered an obscene article and had to hidden behind the pharmacist's counter. â€¢ In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.â€¢ In St. Croix, women are not allowed to wear anything red in public. â€¢ In Wisconsin you are allowed to marry your house. â€¢ In Wisconsin you need a cheesemaker's license to make any kind of cheese, except Limburger. To make Limburger, you need a master cheesemaker's license. â€¢ In Wisconsin, after 3:00 a.m., you have to send a rocket signal in the air after every mile you drive.â€¢ In Wisconsin, it is illegal to cut a woman's hair or to kiss on a train. â€¢ It is illegal to cut a woman's hair. â€¢ It is illegal to display an unclothed mannequin in a store window.â€¢ It is illegal to kiss on a train. â€¢ It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.â€¢ Kenosha: No male is allowed to be in a state of arousal in public. â€¢ La Crosse: It is illegal to tie up your horse along Third Street (Now a major bar strip). It is illegal to display an unclothed mannequin in a store window. It is illegal to play checkers in public. You cannot "worry a squirrel." â€¢ Milwaukee: An old ordinance forbids parking for over two hours unless a horse is tied to the car. It is against the law to play a flute and drums on the streets to attract attention. If one is thought of as offensive looking, it is illegal for him to be in public during the day. It is illegal to purchase or use Sparklers in the city, yet you can buy fully disassembled automatic machine guns. â€¢ Next time you start a riot in Wisconsin remember that it i illegal to use a laser pointer to do so. â€¢ Racine: It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep. Women may not walk down a public street at night without being accompanied by a man. â€¢ St. Croix: Women are not allowed to wear anything red in public.â€¢ State Law made it illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese. â€¢ Whenever two trains meet at an intersection of said tracks, neither shall proceed until the other has. â€¢ While all cheese making requires a license, Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker's license.â€¢ Wisconsin law provides for a fine of $2 to $20 for anyone under age 17 caught jumping onto a railroad car while the train is in motion.â€¢ You must manually flush all urinals in a building.
Wyomingâ€¢ An ordinance in Newcastle specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!â€¢ Cheyenne Citizens may not take showers on Wednesdays. â€¢ In Wyoming it is illegal to tattoo a horse with the intent of making it unrecognizable to its owner. â€¢ It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking. â€¢ It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs people's view in a public theater or place of amusement. â€¢ Wyoming required that every inmate of the state's training school for girls be issued crinoline bloomers. â€¢ You may not take a picture of a rabbit during the month of June. http://www.crazylaws.com/

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Crazy Ass Bitch

2006-04-27T00:26:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine sent this to me, and out of respect for her and our country and our troops and all those who were directly affected by the events of 9/11, I'm posting it here and asking everyone that sees it sends it to all their friends and family and everyone on their email list. Everyone that sees this has my permission to copy and paste it and send it to as many people as they need to to get the message through that this is some bullshit and is not what this country is about.

Please excuse my strong language in this bulletion.

This is not one of those average bulletions that has some survey or smoething like that on it. This is to let people know, if you dont already know, about these crazy people up in Iowa that "Praise God" that soldiers are dying, that 9/11,The Hurricanes, and the Tsunami all happened! This really is one Crazy Ass Bitch! Look at the video at the web address mentioned and see for yourself.

I hardly ever ask this but PLEASE, EVERYONE, repost this to protest these people and their beliefs.

Eric the really pissed off Private First Class.

To repost this click copy and paste this on your own new bulletin. Please repost this!

I WANT TO FUCKING KILL THIS BITCH EVERYDAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE IN WAYS THAT WOULD MAKE GROWN MEN CRY AND GIVE THE DEVIL NIGHTMARES!!!!!

media.spikedhumor.com/24864/insane_woman_on_fox_news.wav

PLEASE REPOST THIS!!!

THE NUMBER FOR THIS "CHURCH" HAS BEEN DIS-CONECTED. I ALREADY TRIED TO CALL. I DID SEND THEM AN EMAIL THOUGH!

785 273 0325 is the phone number for this church. the lady in the video actually answered earlier. Im spreading the word because these people need to get at least a tenth of what they deserve... I'm spreading the phone number, becasue i KNOW they need to be at least harassed about it... and i'm sure alot of people would want it.

im not going to go into my political views on the war, but ill tell you that when i saw this i felt ashamed to be breathing the same air as these people.

This is a group claiming the name of God to explain their bigotry towards gays, jews, blacks, America, soldiers, Sweden, and Canada. THEY PROTEST AT FUNERALS OF FALLEN SOLDIERS THAT DIED TO ENABLE THEM TO HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO THIS! THEY CLAIM TO THANK GOD FOR 9-11, THE HURRICANES, AND THE TSUNAMI!

some of their hate-filled internet propoganda:godhatesfags.comgodhatesamerica.com

here are some quotes from pastor fred phelps:

"The Lord God Almighty killed [the people who died on 9/11], looked at them in the face, laughed and mocked at each one of them as he cast each one of them into hell".

"Nobody that's intelligent and that fears God will fly the American flag any way but upside-down, the international symbol of distress".

"The hell with your flag. The hell with your fag army, your fag courts, your fag-run government".

"The red on that flag stands for fag rectal blood".

"On Pope John Paul II's watch, the Catholic Church became the church of the holy pedophiles. And sodomite feces replaced the wafer for their communion service. And Sodomite semen replaced the wine that the Pope drinks".

"Matthew Shepard has been in hell for 2753 days. Diane Whipple has been in hell for 1916 days. Deal with it! All else is trivial and unimportant. All the fag caterwauling, candlelight vigils, court orders, etc., can't buy these perverts one drop of water to cool their tongues."

785 273 0325 WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH

Ultimate Rejection

2006-04-26T17:40:00.000-07:00

What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Life's Questions

2006-04-21T20:29:00.000-07:00

Why do "cool" and "hot" mean the same thing?
If you sneeze and fart at the same time, does a vacuum form in your stomach?
Why does triangularly cut bread taste better than square bread?
Does a baby feel the umbilical cord being cut off?
Is it legal to name your kid "Anonymous"?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
If you have a pet with 2 heads do you have to name both heads?
Why can't liquor freeze?
If you dig a hole in the south pole are you digging up or down?
How come they don't add the time that we are in our mom's to our age?
Why do people squint their eyes when they can't see? Wouldn't that just make it less space to see out of?
What is a hacky, and why is it in a sack?
Who was in the kitchen with Dina?
Why do we have to pay a toll on "freeways"?
Why do they call them pepperoni if there is no pepper in it?
How old does something have to be to become an antique?
Can a school teacher give a homeless child homework?
Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on?
Do babies produce more spit than adults?
How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?
Do cows have calf muscles?
Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not?
If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players?
If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke?
Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're always covered with sheets?
If you died with braces on would they take them off?
If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time?
Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?
If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself?
Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold?
At what temperature does it qualify as hot?
Why is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread?
Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice?
How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?
Have ex-punsters been expunged?
Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we have hot water heaters?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?
Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How can there be "self help GROUPS"?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
How can someone "draw a blank"?How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?
What should one call a male ladybird?What would you use to dilute water?
How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
Why are turds pinched off at the end?
What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
If you get cheated by the better business bureau, who do you complain to?
How does Santa get into a house that doesn't have a chimney?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Why do the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep all have the same tune?
Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?
Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?
Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?
How can something be new and improved? if it's new, what was it improving on?
Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?
Why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?
If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light - how fast is a moving light?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth?
If you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?
Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?
How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?
Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?
Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
How can you hear yourself think?
How can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?
If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
What's the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?
What would happen if an Irresistible Force met an Immovable Object?
Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?
Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?
What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
Why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?
Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?
Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not?
If when people freak out they are said to be "having a cow", when cows freak out are they said to be "having a person?"
Why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?
If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves, and if so, aren't we all masochist?
If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
Can blind people see their dreams?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Do sore thumbs really stick out?
If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.
Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
Why do birds have white poop?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?
Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?
Why are boxing rings square?
If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?
Is the fear of flying groundless?
Do mimes watch silent movies?
Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?
If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
Does a postman deliver his own mail?
If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?Why are they called goose bumps?
Do geese get people bumps?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Do vampires get AIDS?
Why are SOFTballs hard?
If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?
Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?
In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?
If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
What do you call a female daddy long legs?
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
Isn't it kind of ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little red flag?Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair?
Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on Christmas lights?
Does the President have to pay taxes?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
How fast do hotcakes sell?
If you wore a teflon suit, could you ever end up in a sticky situation?
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?
Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?
What is a male ladybug called?
Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out, what do little birdies see when they just get knocked out?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick'name?
Do cows drink milk?
How come some Little Debbie snack cakes come in a twin pack and others are wrapped individually?
Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet?
Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?
How did the headless horseman know where he was going?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?
Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?
How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?
If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone cant hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?
Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
Why is the blackboard green?
On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren't even in the word?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack"
Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?
If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
What's the opposite of opposite?
Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house?
Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane?
Why do they call it "head over heels in love" If our head is always over our heels?
Why do they call them guidance counselors when all counselors do is offer guidance?
Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white?
Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the middle of your body?
If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren't you being judgmental yourself?
Why do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running forward?
Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?
Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?
If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?
If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?
If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?
Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up?
Why do they call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?
Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?
Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?
If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?
If you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?
If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?
Do the different "M&M's"Â® colors taste different?
Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?
Why do donuts have holes?
Why can't you eat pancakes for dinner?
Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?
What does the K in K-mart actually stand for?
What does OK actually mean?
If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?
In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
Why are things typed up but written down?
Why do old men have hair in their ears?
Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A & Canada?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're cookies?
Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing?
If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?
If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?
If you own a piece of land and there is an volcano on it and it ruins a nearby town, do you have to pay for the property damage?
If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere...which way does it spin at the equator?
Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You'd get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for?
If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?
What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?
Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?
Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
Do birds pee?
If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday?
When a male is elected president and his wife is called the First Lady. What would a lady's husband be called if she were elected president?
Can dogs have dog days?
Why does blow and suck mean the same thing when we describe something being crap?
Why do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a "time" clock? Aren't all clocks "time" clocks?
Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone?
Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?
Why do people say heads up when you should duck?
Why do radio operators say "niner" instead of just "nine"?
Do dumped farmers get John Deere letters?
Do pigs pull ham strings?
On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?
Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
Isn't it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as the words "the" and "rapist" put together?
Why do people, such as S.W.A.T or Seals wear the bulletproof vests where you can see them? Wouldn't people aim for their head or crotch?
How come, in the Mini Wheat's commercials, Sweets has a Brooklyn accent and Wheat has an English accent? They're attached at the back, wouldn't they have been raised in the same place?Why do they put Canadian bacon on Hawaiian Pizza?
If our planet is inhabited with creatures made by God...is it possible that there's another planet inhabited with creatures made by the Devil?
If a table is propped up can it be propped down?
If shampoo comes in so many colors, why is the lather on your head always white?
Is an alcoholic just a drunk that's scared of a hangover?
Seeing as cupid is so good at matchmaking, does he have a girlfriend?
If the police see some one committing a crime but are on there way to investigate a crime do they stop or go to the one they were on their way to?
What is the parking situation like at the Special Olympics?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn't they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"?
Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?
When you snap your fingers, does the sound occur when your middle finger releases from your thumb, or when your middle finger hits the palm of your hand?
If Sunday is the holy day of rest why do we have to get up early for church?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
If the weather man says "it's a 50% chance of rain" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?
If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?
If someone crashes his or her car on purpose, why is it still a car accident?
If you died on the International Dateline, and half of you were on 1 side and the other half on the other side, what day would you die?
Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?
What would happen if: Everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time?
If I raise the volume on my radio, does it use more electricity?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why does "lake" come first (Lake Michigan) and "river" come second (Mississippi River)?
Why do they call him a Skipper when he just stands there?
If people say if you eat dessert before dinner it will ruin your appetite won't eating dinner before dessert ruin your appetite for dessert?
When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
How come wine and hard liquor doesn't come in cans, but beer does?
Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill?
Why do birds bob their heads when they walk?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?
Why do police officers wear tight clothes and dressy shoes? wouldn't that make them slower when chasing someone?
Why are blue Christmas lights so popular? Aren't red and green the traditional colors?
If a criminal turns himself in shouldn't he get the reward money?
Why do we have to wait till the water starts boiling before we can put pasta into the water?
If we had a president that was a woman, would her husband be the first man?
Why is the St. Louis baseball team the cardinals, but the Missouri state bird is the blue bird?
Why do people who don't want to go to hell bury themselves 6 ft. closer?
Do you ever notice those red balls on the wires while your driving? Well what are they for?
Do people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes?
Why is it illegal to put money in other people's parking meters?
If you took a compass to outer space would it still point "magnetic north"? Is there still a north, south, east, and west in space?
What happens when you say hijack to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack?
Why are women and men's shoe sizes different?
Can a person choke and die on a life savor?
When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny"; what's the difference?
Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?
If you are parking somewhere and the signs in front of the parked cars say "30 minutes" then when your 30 minutes are up can you park in the spot right next to you?
When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?
Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?
If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st & January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?
Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?
Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?
Why are there black lines on a basketball?
How do they get the air inside the bubble wrap?
Can crop circles be square?
Can you blow a balloon up under water?
Why is it that when we are humming and then we plug our nose, our humming stops? Do people really hum through their nose, or their mouths?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Can you write in pencil on an eraser?
Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?
Can a blind man see his future?
If a man has no fingers, can he press charges?
If lava melts rock, wouldn't the lava melt the volcano?
What did cured ham actually have?
Why is there a size 12-14, 14-16, 16-18, and so forth, but no 13, 15, and 17?
Why is it when we duck they call us chicken?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why would Dodge make a car called Ram?
Can someone give up lent for lent?
What do vegetarians feed their dogs?
How come you can kill a deer and put it on your wall but it's illegal to keep them as a pet?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
If the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas Adam?
Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?
Can a metal plate in your head get rusted?
Why do dogs walk around in circles before lying down?
Why do most people put more effort into their wedding than their actual marriage?
Why is it that on the back of a medicine bottle it says "adult" is 12 and above, but the adult age in reality is 18?
If the handicapped bathrooms are for people who cant walk why do they put them at the end of the bathrooms ?
If the S.W.A.T team comes to your house and breaks down your door, do they replace it later?Since there is a rule that states "i" before "e" except after "c", wouldn't "science" be spelled wrong?
Why do you DELETE something on the computer, but ERASE something on paper?
Why is Christmas colors red and green when Santa's suit is red and white?
Why do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number?
Why do people call it an ATM machine, but they know it's really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going too ?
Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do?
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on halloween, it's encouraged! Why is that?
If all of the Acme stuff doesn't work, why does Wile Coyote keep buying their products?
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch? Can you cry under water?
Does Hawaiian Punch come from Hawaii?
Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident?
When a boy is named after his dad, he is called 'Junior,' but what do you call a girl that is named after her mother?
Do the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
If you went back in time and killed your mother would you disappear the moment you killed her?
Who gets to keep the pennies in a wishing well?
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?
Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one?Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number?
Is sign language the same in languages other than English?If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?
Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more?When something's funny why is it called a "knee-slapper" when you actually slap your thigh?Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
How come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
How come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger but they don't take off the price if you get something taken off?
If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?
Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?
Why is snow white and ice clear? Aren't they just different forms of water?
Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?
How come popcorn isn't a vegetable?
Can bald men get lice?
Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?
Is Jerry Garcia grateful to be dead?
Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be under par in any thing else?
If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?
Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?
What happens if your snot freezes in your nose?
Why are Pringles curved?
If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
Why can't a baby cry while it's inside its mother?
If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?
Why did Mary own a little lamb?
If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Why do all superheroes wear spandex?
Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?Which way does a compass point in space?
Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?
Why is a square meal served on round plates?
Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?
Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to people that work nights?
If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been free?
Why do dogs sniff other dogs bottoms to say hello, why don't they just bark in their face or something?
If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
Why do you go back and forth to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
Do they have girls bathrooms in gay bars?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
Can mute people burp?
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear?
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures?
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
Are marbles made of marble?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change their name to Knockers?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
When people say, "I'm so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?
Do stairs go up or down?
Why do bullies always ask "what's your problem" when they're obviously not going to solve it?Do they have burglar alarms at Christian bookstores?
Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?
If you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart?
Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities they are put in an mental hospital, but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?
Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?
Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach?
If someone's peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep pissing or stop?
Are people who are allergic to nuts allergic to coconuts too?
Do the actors in the re-enactments on Americas most wanted, ever get arrested (because they were seen on TV portraying the criminal)?
Can a person with no ears wear glasses?
If you rented a movie and were late returning it and then you died would someone you knew or a family member have to pay the late fee?
If you made biscuits with chocolate milk instead of regular milk, would they taste chocolaty?What if you were to ask a genie to grant you more than three wishes for one of you wishes?
Why doesn't baking soda freeze?
"What was Captian Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?"
If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?
When a store has double doors why do they only let you use one of them?
How do "do not walk on grass" signs get there?
Whats a question with no answer called?
Why do we say "heads up" when we actually duck?
Are there pink lemons that make pink lemonade?
Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?
How come lotion is colored, but when you put it on, it doesn't turn your skin that color?
Are tomatoes fruits or vegetables?
Isn't it weird that all year round your parents tell you not to play with fire, but on Independence Day they hand you a package of explosives, a lighter, and say have fun?
How come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and nothing else does?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
Why is there a little countdown (like 8, 7, 6, 5, 4) near the bottom of the copyright info page in the beginning of many books?
If a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount just chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it?
Why do cats like to dig their paws into something before they lay down on it?
Is it possible to be allergic to water?
What is the point in saying "may I ask" and then follow it up with a question?
Why is there never a full English dinner or tea but there is always a full English breakfast?
Why don't they make Root Beer flavored ice cream? Wouldn't it be better than root beer floats?If a General is a higher ranking officer than a Major, then why is a major illness worse than a general illness?
If a baseball player hits a home run over the fence, but then dies before he can run around the bases, does the home run count?
Can a unborn baby fart or burp?
Why does jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it "gels" the scent virtually disappears?
Why is it called a soap opera when nobody sings?
If French kissing is a big thing in America, how do French people react to normal American kissing?
Can you "zone out" and be "in the zone" at the same time?
Do you wake up or open your eyes first?
Is the vice president's wife called the second lady?
If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?
If your eyes are crossed, do your tears fall straight?
Why do child labor laws not prohibit children from acting in movies?
If a vampire were Jewish would his Sabbath start at sunrise?
Why do people say "The alarm just went off" when really it just came on?
Do they put underwear on corpses?
Do bubbles freeze in winter?
What sound does a bunny make?
If you had only one hand, would second hand smoking effect you?
Do suicide hotlines have hold?
Have you ever wondered why in the 1500's nude photos/painting were art, while today it's pornography?
If you are old and are in a bathtub how would you know if you have been in there too long?
If you can see your breath outide on a cold day, could you see your fart?
If you wear contact lens and you died with them in your eyes, do they take them out?

Job Application

2006-04-21T15:41:00.000-07:00

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.'' "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''

Heading To Mexico

2006-04-20T22:38:00.000-07:00

David M. Bresnahan
April 1, 2006
NewsWithViews.com

Dear President Bush:

I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going towalk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this.
I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres.Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do notwant any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for allthe people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely. However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite himto go quail hunting with your V.P.

Thank you so much for your kind help.

Ned: The Most Popular Man In The World

2006-04-20T22:36:00.000-07:00

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.

"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned. "Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world." "Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!" "That so?" answers Bill, "How about the president of the United States?" "Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave. "That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!" "Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave. Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!" "J.P!" says Ned, "Let's go!"

When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.

"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says, "Ned. You're the most popular man in the world." "I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"

"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"

Redneck Baseball

2006-04-20T22:33:00.000-07:00

You might be a redneck if it takes two twinkies, a beer and your sister to get to second base.

College Rules

2006-04-20T22:31:00.000-07:00

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

"How much for a season pass?"

Seniors Exam

2006-04-12T18:04:00.000-07:00

An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination,whereupon the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Do you and hubby still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.
She went out and yelled across the reception room:
"Tom do we still have intercourse?"
Tom answered impatiently,
"If I told you once,I told you a thousand times...
We have Blue Cross!"

Irish Wedding

2006-04-12T18:03:00.000-07:00

Do you know the difference between and Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One less drunk!

A Man And His Wife

2006-04-12T18:02:00.000-07:00

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks,
"Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Irish Prostitute

2006-04-12T17:56:00.000-07:00

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

Beer Vs Water

2006-04-12T17:43:00.000-07:00

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Shit. However, we do not run that risk when drinking beer (or rum, whiskey, wine or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = SHIT

BEER = HEALTH

Free yourself of Shit, drink BEER!!! It is better to drink beer and Talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.
Have a nice day...

Memory Fails

2006-04-12T17:41:00.000-07:00

A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
''May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded to know why.
"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him!"

George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfield

2006-04-12T17:39:00.000-07:00

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.

The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people unbelievably happy."

Italian Mother

2006-04-12T17:37:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, Mama can''t help but notice how pretty Anthony''s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.

Reading his Mom''s thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria comes to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I''ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don''t suppose she took it, do you?"

Well, I doubt it, but I''ll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sends his Mom an email:
"Dear Momma, I''m not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I''m not saying that you didn''t take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Anthony"

Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Momma.
"Figlio mio, I''m not saying that you ''do'' sleep with Maria, and I''m not saying that you ''do not'' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love,
Momma"

Another Weekend At The Home

2006-04-02T06:38:00.000-07:00

An elderly man, Willy, mimes driving a car as runs around the halls of a retirement home. An orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he's doing.
Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend."
The orderly chuckles and enters Bob's room to check on him. He catchs Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing, Bob replies, "I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's away in Chicago."

The Judge

2006-04-02T06:37:00.000-07:00

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman withan electric drill."
"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout.
The Judge thunders back "If you don''t tell me the reason for your outbursts rightnow, I will hold in contempt!"
"I''ve lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a fucking tool when I needed to borrow one!"

Nurse Nancy

2006-03-29T13:46:00.000-08:00

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!''
''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''
All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.
''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'''

A Greater Insult

2006-03-29T13:34:00.000-08:00

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, "All lawyers are a**holes!" He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, "Take that back."
The biker says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an a**hole."

At The Old Folks Home

2006-03-29T13:32:00.000-08:00

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
"Pull down your pants," she says.
He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."
"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday."

Red Ribbon Blue Ribbon

2006-03-23T07:50:00.000-08:00

This lady goes to a vet and learns that that if you put a ribbon around a snoring dog''s penis he''ll roll over and stop snoring.
The next night her dog is snoring so she goes to the kitchen and gets a red ribbon and ties it around her dog''s penis. His snoring stopped.
Later on that night her husband is snoring and so she goes to the kitchen and gets a blue ribbon and ties it around her husband''s penis, and he stops snoring.
The next morning her husband wakes up and looks at his dog and looks down at himself.
"I don''t know what happened last night, but it appears we came in first and second."

Bubba Died In A Fire

2006-03-23T07:46:00.000-08:00

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned prettybadly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer.The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back thesheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope,ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer tooka look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician. Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say,"Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.

Old Age

2006-03-23T07:36:00.000-08:00

Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself. "You know, Harvey," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg!" She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself." Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight." Services for Harvey will be held Tuesday morning at 10:30 at the First Methodist Church...

Manners

2006-03-23T07:33:00.000-08:00

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one.
"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go pee." Michael replied
The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!" "What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table." "And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."
The teacher fainted...

Sensitive Beer

2006-03-23T07:31:00.000-08:00

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

To Kill An American

2006-03-23T07:22:00.000-08:00

You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there wasactually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper anoffer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.

So an Australian dentist wrote an editorial the following day to leteveryone know what an American is so they would know when they found one.(Good one, mate!!!!)

" An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish,Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican,African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, orArab, or Pakistani or Afghan.

An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho,Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as nativeAmericans.

An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim.

In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses.

An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.

An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the world.

The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence , which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.

An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return.

When Afghanistan was over-run by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country! As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan. Americans welcome the best ofeverything...the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best services. But they also welcome the least.

The national symbol of America, The Statue of Liberty, ! welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America.

Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families It's been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 different countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists

So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself.

Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place.They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.

Please keep this going! Pass this around the World then pass it around again.

It says it all , for all of us

So Cultered!

2006-03-23T07:21:00.000-08:00

A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".
Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

Hot Doggin

2006-03-23T07:19:00.000-08:00

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?
Sparky!

Yo Mama's So dumb, International Dateline

2006-03-23T07:18:00.000-08:00

Yo mama's so dumb, she thought that the the International Dateline was a global dating service.

Five Surgeons

2006-03-23T07:16:00.000-08:00

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the bestpatients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants onmy operating table because you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best...Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like mechanics. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
BUT, the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong ... Politicians are the easiest to operate on...There's no guts, no heart, no spine ... and...the head and butt are interchangeable."

The Perfect Wife

2006-03-23T07:14:00.000-08:00

What is the perfect wife?
A good-looking, sex-starved chef who owns a liquor store.

Electricity Mathematics

2006-03-23T07:13:00.000-08:00

Q: How many men does it take to screw a light bulb into a socket?
A: One -- because men will screw anything.

A Real Watch Dog

2006-03-23T07:12:00.000-08:00

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"
The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."

I Guess That's Fair

2006-03-23T07:11:00.000-08:00

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."
"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"
"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."
The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"

Drinking Buddies

2006-03-23T07:07:00.001-08:00

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.
And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.
"Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"
Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."
Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"
"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained.
"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.
"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.
''It's a very old' bottle now, you know," urged Pat.
"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.
"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"

Eye Exam

2006-03-23T07:07:00.000-08:00

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

2006-03-23T07:06:00.000-08:00

Why do hipsters have such a hard time with karate?
They cant get past the white belt.

www.YoMamma

2006-01-30T07:20:00.000-08:00

Yo mama''s so fat, she dont need the Internet - she's already world wide.

Elementary, My Dear Watson

2006-01-30T07:18:00.000-08:00

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Living Will

2006-01-30T07:15:00.001-08:00

Living Will I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

______Sex
______the remote control
______a cold beer
______a glass of wine
______a Bloody Mary
______a Margarita
______a Scotch and soda
______a Martini
______a Vodka and Tonic
______a Bourbon on the rocks
______a Steak
______a Bowl of ice cream
______a new gun

it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. And donate any and all useable parts to needing fokes.

Signature: ___________________________
Date: _______________________________

Porsche And Hedgehog

2006-01-30T07:15:00.000-08:00

What's the difference between a porsche and a hedgehog?
A hedgehog has pricks on the outside!

A Lonely Jew In Catholic School

2006-01-30T07:14:00.000-08:00

A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send him to a private Catholic school.
While there the boy came home from school and studied every day. At the end of the marking period the boy got straight A's. So his parents asked him, "What motivated you to do so well in school?"
He replied, "When I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign I knew they weren't fooling around!"

Consensus! At Last

2006-01-30T07:09:00.000-08:00

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon anIraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side ofthe road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men,the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along thehighway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw eachother and both took cover in the ditches along the road."

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag, andhe yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, leftwing liberal drunk.

So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, meanspirited old woman!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so doesHillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road shaking hands,when a truck hit us."

Poor Old Man

2006-01-30T07:07:00.000-08:00

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"
The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"
The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"

The Duck And The Condom

2006-01-19T14:42:00.000-08:00

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.
The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''
''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

Wise Old Man

2006-01-17T13:33:00.000-08:00

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Those Lovely Farmer's Daughters

2006-01-17T13:32:00.000-08:00

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''
The farmer shot Chuck.

A Vow Of Celebracy

2006-01-14T17:16:00.000-08:00

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He''s met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text ofthe Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages.
After becoming a linguistic master,he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every versionof the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading"to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a screamin the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering,
"An ''R''! They left out the ''R''."
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again,"It''s the letter ''R''... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

The Guy's Rules

2006-01-14T17:14:00.000-08:00

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes, and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, golf or camping.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Feel The Hot Burn Of Shame

2006-01-14T17:11:00.000-08:00

Did you hear the one about the Catholic porn film?
It was 10 minutes of sex and 50 minutes of guilt.

Perfumed Blonde

2006-01-11T17:21:00.000-08:00

Why does a blonde put perfume on her ankles?
Because it ends up behind her ears anyway!

Occupation Please

2006-01-11T17:19:00.000-08:00

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs tofile her taxes. The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask youa few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc,and then asks, "what is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. That is toogross. Let's try to rephrase that.

"The woman says, "OK., I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chickenfarmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being awhore call girl?'

"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."

He replies: "Good enough."

The Blonde And The Blinker

2006-01-11T17:15:00.000-08:00

Two blondes were driving down the road.The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''

If You Had What I Have

2006-01-07T14:45:00.000-08:00

A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!"
So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.
"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!""You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.
"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?"
"50 cents."

Cloak & Dagger

2006-01-05T13:32:00.000-08:00

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. Then he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room.
He was now completely naked in the halls of the headquarters of the most powerful military organization on the planet. And he felt pretty ridiculous.
Getting an idea, he walked naked and purposefully through the corridors until he reached the Research & Development laboratory. He walked in and saluted the Head Scientist.
"I am here to report the partial success of the personal invisibility device!"

Will You Marry Again, Scum

2006-01-03T16:40:00.000-08:00

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The man said, "No dear."
The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
And the man replied, "No, she's left handed."

Lesser Known Fad Diets

2005-12-31T17:44:00.000-08:00

The South Beach [Boys] Diet - Week 1 - Eat interesting and unique food nobody has heard of before.Week 2 - Take tons of drugs along with the food you were eating.Week 3 - Stop the diet.Week 4 - Start the diet again, but only eat more bland versions of the food you used to eat.

The Palindrome Diet - Only eat foods that can be spelled the same way forwards and backwards. Star Rats and Bird Rib can be tasty snacks while fruits and vegetables are no-no''s.

The Angry Goth Diet - Eat shit and die.

The Toddler Diet - Just eat toddlers.

The CASH CUBE! Diet - Place food on the bottom of THE CASH CUBE! Turn the machine on and watch your dinner spin quickly around you for 20 seconds. Whatever you can grab, you can eat!

The [Hot Landing] Zone Diet - Eat a few quick bites en route to the target in your Huey. When you get there, run.

New Year's Resolutions

2005-12-31T17:40:00.000-08:00

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.
7. Get in a whole NEW rut!
8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.
9. Don't eat cloned meat.
10. Create loose ends.
11. Get more toys.
12. Get further in debt.
13. Don't believe politicians.
14. Break at least one traffic law.
15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
17. Associate with even worse business clients.
18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
19. Wait around for opportunity.
20. Focus on the faults of others.
21. Mope about faults.
22. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

2005-12-27T20:06:00.000-08:00

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"
11. Meow occasionally.
12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

The Wonderful Thing About TIggers

2005-12-23T22:28:00.000-08:00

Q: Why doesn't Tigger have any friends?
A: He plays with Pooh

A Little Boy Wrote To Santa

2005-12-23T22:25:00.000-08:00

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

Christmas Italian Style

2005-12-23T22:19:00.000-08:00

'Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda my pilla.

When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my
Wonderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
Don Santa wuz here,
And he brought all da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.

"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"

Christmas Songs For Shrinks

2005-12-23T22:18:00.000-08:00

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!
Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.
Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.
Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town.
Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, then maybe I'll tell you why!
Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock
Suicidal: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (then took away).

Woof! Woof!

2005-12-23T21:59:00.000-08:00

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
-Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
-Will Rogers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
-M. Acklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
-Sigmund Freud

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
-Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three time! s before lying down.
-Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-James Thurber

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
-Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
- Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret

Braggadocio

2005-12-13T13:49:00.000-08:00

Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons. "My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"
"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"
"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."
"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."

50 Years

2005-12-08T15:19:00.000-08:00

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the firsttime we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.""Yes, she says, "I remember it well.""OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?""Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"A police officer is sitting in the next booth listening to all this And having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After recovering, lying on the ground, the Old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on

The policeman, still watching, thinks this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, But that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together is there some sort of secret to this?"The old man says, "Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence."

Aliens

2005-12-08T15:15:00.000-08:00

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.

What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

Multi - Purpose

2005-12-08T15:13:00.000-08:00

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?
Give her a shovel.

Beer Translations

2005-12-07T14:11:00.000-08:00

1. "You get this round and the next round is on me."I''ll be leaving before the next round.
2. "I''ll get this round and the next one is on you."Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they''ll be $3.50.
3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?"I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female)I''m easy.
5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male)I''m gay.
6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I''ll do to you on the ride home?
8. "I don''t feel well, let''s go home." (female)You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
9. I don''t feel well, let''s go home." (male)I''m horny.
10. "Who''s got the next round?"I haven''t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

College Grads

2005-12-07T14:07:00.000-08:00

A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much does it cost?"
A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"